My past has recently filled my mind, and I’ve remembered the things I’ve done that were totally stupid. I regret the mistakes I’ve made, and how foolish those mistakes were but still I go back to those mistakes and think: I could’ve changed that. The thought of wanting to change the mistakes I’ve made and the friends I lost to those mistakes is hard to grasp, even for myself. The reason my past keeps coming back, and the thoughts of those mistakes keep arising are because of many different people I use to know continue returning into my life. It feels weird that my past and past people have returned and all I want to do is throw it away like paper. But I found that closure and forgiveness is the best option to silence these past mistakes that keep arising. So the thought of ‘I could’ve changed that’ may come and go, but when the moment comes and when I see someone from my past, I’ll just talk to them and ask for forgiveness.
Alas due to certain mistakes, my ‘asking for forgiveness’ hasn’t really ceased a problem that continues to hit me in the face. Thus I began to hold a large grudge against whoever hasn’t accepted my forgiveness. Which brings me back to my past and the mistakes I’ve made that can’t seem to leave me, even if I’ve asked God for forgiveness and repented from those sins and mistakes. So, its all up to the person I’ve wronged and hoping that they’ll one day realize I’ve sinned and ruined them. As for me, I’m learning to release this grudge I hold against that person and a certain building down the road from me. My past was ugly in my youth, although it may not as been as ugly as most teenagers, it was ugly in a way that I was a foolish idiot with no mind. The fact is; I was a sinner. I have sinned and still do from time to time. These past mistakes keep me from doing it again; at least I hope so.
The past can haunt us, and it can sometimes come upon us like a wave. Like when we remember how stupid we acted last week or how mean you were to your previous friend several years ago. Whatever it maybe, we can’t seem to forget it, thus why we say ‘Its like I’m living in the past.’ It’s a good thing we have Christ, because if we didn’t, then we would’ve kept involving ourselves into the things we had did in the past, then we’d would drift away from Christ. So, long story short, our past is what makes us who we are, it defines us and the personality we build up over the years.
As I get older, I try to focus on my future than my past, but like I said before, I’ve held a grudge against some people. Which in the end has made me bitter, hurt and very hard to trust people with my words. But, I’m gradually learning that Christ has got my back and that remembering my past shouldn’t bother me. Although…it will bother me, because that’s my personality; I’m just gonna have to learn to deal with it.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
Goodnight guys, and sleep tight!