Angst Post…

For the past few days, I’ve caught myself crying off and on. Sometimes for little things but mainly one big thing that has been on my mind. Today, while assisting my mother with making food for Thanksgiving, I broke down and cried. I feel angry, confused and sad that yet again I have to heal from something for another year or two. The people I met and bonded with were amazing, but sometimes things to always last forever. Putting that problem aside for a moment; I don’t normally cry, I keep it hidden very well and after a couple of days it comes out in heaps of angst and sadness. I realize that isn’t healthy and it can give you ulcers, but I don’t like showing people how petty I look when I break down from certain things that happen in my life, whether they be good or bad. It kinda puts a bad light on me. So, when I said that I caught myself crying today, that’s a rarity for me. But for once, this little crying moment actually meant something to me, it was for all the things that I’ve built up inside about this whole disbanding thing.

Specific things like that take me a while to process and it has come down to this day where I am very emotional and depressed about such event. IT BOTHERS ME, OKAY!! I have to yell it out to the void!! I don’t want this to happen to me again!! I already have enough stuff on my plate to worry about, like my best friend blocking us out for a while and now this! I don’t need this, not now, not when I was feel a whole lot better about my well being. I’ve been praying that this wasn’t happening, but alas, God whispered to me and said, “I’m sorry my child, it’s happening.” Am I accepting such words very well? No. Am I going to be okay with this change in my life? No. But, I am going to learn and pray that I can heal from it and hope to find a new church body to be part of soon.

I don’t want to say goodbye, but just like Captain America did in First Avenger, we all have to say our goodbyes now and then. Sorry if this post seems very angsty and angry, I’m having a rough few days processing this whole thing still… So I apologize if this post has sounded mean and forthcoming…


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