I need reassurance (To my friends)

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It’s raining and you just came home from an eight hour work day. You’re exhausted and really want to talk to your friends. The cellphone that usually resides in your left back pocket sits on the dresser with no new notifications. Obviously you haven’t been texting anyone since you were at work all day. You pick up your phone and begin a text message for your best friend. Before you send it and sudden question pops in your head: Am I going to annoy them? Once you answer the question, you end up deleted the recent message you just typed out and lock the phone placing it back down on the dresser once again.

The feeling of loneliness has almost consumed you. You’re friends have their own friends and you’re just there in the corner waiting to see if they still no you exist in their world still. A lot has happened; someone who was introduced to your friends basically took control of them and lied and continues to lie while you have to pick up the pieces afterwards. What you need is reassurance that your friends, the friends you’ve known for almost three years, will stick by your side no matter what happens and they’ll be there to support you even still.

~0~

Friends, I need you. I need to hear that you’re still my friends and that you won’t leave me and my siblings sides no matter what goes on. I want to hear from you that whatever you hear, see and associate with that your loyalty remains the same. As I write this, I shudder in fear that I will eventually loose all of you for good, and probably never see you ever again. You all know I fight with anxiety and depression; these two mental issues had caused me to push you all away due to the recent event that has happened with my brother and the lair that is his ex-girlfriend. Now, you can push me away and think I am crazy because I haven’t let this go, but when someone  who enters our group and lies that’s when I can’t stay silent.

I will not stand by this time and watch everyone I care about disappear before my eyes as things unfold and become truth. Seriously friends, I am very scared… I need reassurance and so does my brothers. Though we’ve been busy with college, school and work, that shouldn’t mean you can’t contact us every once in awhile.  My love for you guys is immense and loosing you all would kill me, so please reassure me and my brothers that you’re truly our friends no matter what happens. We’ve been through a lot, I think we can get through this rough spot too.

Don’t be afraid to contact me or my brothers. I don’t care how awkward it is. Contact us…I am serious, guys. Don’t be strangers.

A purpose

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Every waking moment, every single hour, there is always an on set of wondering if you have a purpose in this life. The very thought bothers you that you have no clue what you’re doing with your life and if what you’re doing is right. You have friends, family and a God who loves you, but does this feeling still grow inside you? So far you’ve done great things; going to school and singing God’s praise. But how come when you see others everyday, you feel this way. God made you unique and special in His eyes, you just need to realize that you’re are who you are. In the eyes of the world you’re seen as an outcast, but in the eyes of The Lord you’re seen as His child.

There is a purpose for the air that you breathe, and the smile that you give. You need to understand that it takes a little at a time for it to fully bloom into what you want it to be. Remember God is there to hold your hand when you fall, and pick you back up on your feet. It may not be easy, and there will be people that hurt you but God is bigger than them and is willing to scorn them. So enough worrying about how great you’ll do in this life, so far you’ve done great in the eyes of the one cares. No more thoughts haunting your mind, no more tragic memories to keep you from taking the next step.

You, child of the one true King, have a purpose. A purpose only He knows about, all you have to is show others that purpose can shine through those grey clouds. Your flowers will bloom and you’ll see God’s purpose for you soon. Don’t fret about failing or loosing a chance to someone you love them. You still have a purpose to continue on.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

It takes a while

A single event in your life that has already passed, it erupts in the back of your mind. It angers you, makes you upset and causes you to have random out burst of shouting. You’ve been told to forget about it and move on, but that single event can’t seem to heal over like a scab on your knee. The hurt remains, the anger remains, the memories remain. Sweeping the dust under the rug won’t change what has been done. It takes a while for you to heal, to process, to continue you on your way. It takes a while for that single event that bothers you so badly to leave the presence of your mind so you can’t think about it anymore. 

So, what do you do? You close yourself off from your friends because you don’t want to sound biased. You stop writing stories because you can’t think anymore. You stop talking because the words you say won’t matter anymore. That’s what you you do. Then you get depressed, lonely and eventually sad in the end, but it’s for the best right? 

Understand that it takes a while for you to process, to heal from, to cope with that single event. No one may not fully see that, or want to understand. But you have Christ to lean on, and if you’re not leaning on Him then you’re choking on anger and frustration. Because that one event has bothered you so much that it’s like a trigger for you. Its not your fault that this single event happened, stop blaming it on yourself, stop turning over every word spoken in your head. Nothing can be done now. So why does it still anger and hurt you? Is it because it feels similar to a past event? An event that took a while to heal from; yes it sure does.

You’re going to get hurt; things will change people will change. The sky will fall and beauty fades, but all His love will still remain. Its just going to take a while to heal and process all that is going on; others need to realize that too. Its not going to happen over night nor in a few days… Its a long process… One that requires prayer and falling before God each day. Remember you’re human and you have flaws; you’re not perfect. Its gonna take a while, okay.

Liking the wrong men

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There is always a list somewhere in a notebook or even a Bible of what your future spouse is meant to be. This said list contains little things such as: good with kids, great kisser, puts up with me etc. But don’t you think that maybe you’re liking the wrong men? You see, liking men who are all great and a bag of chips maybe dandy and peachy, but what about a guy whose soul purpose is being thirsty for Christ everyday, and spends time reading His word. ‘Unless a guy has a heart for God, he shouldn’t be after mine’ is a quote that is taped to my wall near my door. I always pause to read those words before I leave my house, but I guess I never truly reflected on that until now. When we like the wrong men, we’re practically liking them for all the wrong reasons. I mean, yeah the guy can be very attractive and what not, but how will he serve a future family? How will he approach your father to ask him permission to marry you? Did everything on your little list prepare you for all of that?

A list isn’t going to bring a “perfect man” to your door step with a bouquet of roses. You can’t simply check off every attribute each guy has, it’s like hunting for a needle in a hay stack. Also the whole ‘I have a type’ isn’t going to get you anywhere either. (Trust me when I say this.) You can have a certain stereotypical imagined up in your head: Hipster, Goth, Cowboy etc. But seriously, will our knight in shinning armor really appear like that to us? Or is that only in the dreams we have? I can like the nerdy guys day and night, but it’s not going to get me anywhere if the guy isn’t searching after God each day.

Sometimes the shows we watch can give us a skewed look on what should be. The majority of the men you see on shows are hot middle aged men who date a few times, but never stay with someone. Seriously? But then you switch over to Disney, and you get jocks who are cute but stupid with an excellent sense of fashion. What? Do you see my point here. It’s like society has painted men from ages 16-21 as extremely attractive, yet utterly immature for their age. Ladies, we don’t need those type of men in our life. Like the quote says above, ‘Unless a guy has a heart for God, he shouldn’t be after mine’. A godly man is the right man to like instead of waiting around to decide whether or not you truly like some guy you’ve been either talking to or you just met. Before throwing your heart into a guy, ask yourself this one question first, “Is his heart after God daily?” Then after you ask yourself that question, pray until God answers your prayer. If its God’s will, it will happen.

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Mixed feelings

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Waves of water, hit the warm sandy beach. Multiple waves are seen coming from the outskirts of the ocean. At first you’re prepared for the water to hit you, but they don’t, instead the water lightly splashes your feet. Sand begins to squish between your toes as the warm salty air blows by. More waves start to hurl on the out skirts of the ocean die down, while others form into huge non-stopping waves. You gaze upon the huge waves and think to yourself about all your emotions and feelings that are bottled up; those waves are your mixed feelings.

Though the beach is always nice, no people to bother you, peaceful atmosphere and obviously water. But then they’re is always cons for being at the beach; the sun is too hot, the beach is dirty or the tide isn’t in. Beaches can give mixed feelings sometimes. You feel excited that your going to a beach, but sad and depressed that you have to go back home or to the hotel your staying at. Sometimes beaches have that feeling that you never want to leave and you want to live there all the time. Like I said mixed feelings. When there is something or someone that gives us that mixed feelings feeling in the pit of your stomach or the back of your mind, it should remind you of a beach. Sea gulls caw over your head, grass dances in the wind and sea crabs prance in the sand. Its peaceful yet kind of annoying. Beaches maybe peaceful but there are times where you just want scream your head off or throw globs of sand in someone’s eyes so you can simple relax and escape from what’s bothering you.

Mixed feelings are things you want to escape, whether it’s depression from loosing a loved one, or excitement because you’re starting college; those are all mixed feelings we don’t really want to feel. So you can sit in a nice folding chair, and relax all you want by the ocean but the thought of those mixed feelings will never leave. Just like when you leave the beach, the feeling of being there will never leave your memories. Beaches are like mixed feelings. You love, live, cry and scream. Now you’re probably asking, ‘How do you get rid of mixed feelings?’ Mixed feelings are hard to express to others. Because once someone asks you how you are, you just want to scream out all the things that are playing your mind. But you don’t, you keep it in and wait for a perfect time and place to release those mixed feelings; like a beach or a forest. Just a warning, if you like someone, or afraid to pursue something or are angry at someone; tell them how you feel or just do what makes you so afraid. Don’t run from it, don’t hid it, just do it. The beach will still be there when you get back; you need a vacation from your mixed feelings. Question is, will you take it?

 

This is who I am 

I am different from the average young woman. I have my own style when it comes to clothing, I enjoy many fictional universes and writing so much stories I loose count of them. But do you actually know me from just what’s on the surface? Do you want to delve into who I am as a human being with thoughts and feelings? Because I can tell you and you’ll see who I am without coming to my home and shaking my hand.

Introverted. Shy, quiet and probably won’t talk to you unless you speak to me. Opinions are generally kept to myself unless I feel attacked or my family is attacked. Since I’m introverted, I usually mumble my words and speak very quietly so I don’t come across annoying. 

Anxiety. Shakes every so often, gets spun up about small things and stumbles over words a lot. Very sensitive and delicate about certain subjects and loud noises. May often feel nauseated and will probably grab a roll-on bottle of lavender oil.

Depression. Mopes around and keeps quiet and to ones self. Doesn’t open up or share what is on the mind or heart; basically sulks in thoughts either made up or true. Dwells on what the outcome of certain things will become in the long run and predicts that it will be negative.

Negative. Figures that everything that happens will be bad and nothing good comes out of it. People hate you and nobody wants to be your friend. Everything you do has no purpose and no one cares (i.e depression). 

Goth/Grunge. Flannel, black, combat boots and converse. A style of clothing and genre in the young people of today’s era. Usually worn during the fall and winter months, but I wear it all the time even when it’s blazing hot outside. Stud earrings, chokers and many other pieces of jewelry go with these two styles and that is what I wear on a regular basis.

Christian. Born again believer in Christ Jesus, and do all that I do for His glory only. Worshipping Him is my main focus and serving in my ecclesia (local church). Have been a believer sine I was eight years old. My life verse is 1 Tim 1:7. 

Trust Issues. After being hurt by many people both close or third party, there has been a lack of trust among new people. There is a fear that has grasp me and learning when to trust people has been really hard. Getting older, trusting people has gotten better, but still there is a fear that someone will eventually turn against me.

Writer. Creative writing comes in many different forms. Novels, short stories and fanfiction. All three of these sub-genres are what I write. Characters are made up out of my imagination along with story lines and scenery. 

Passionate. Gets fired up about subjects that are very dear to me; such as Law Enforcement, Courting and Geeky stuff. 

Geek. Loves all things that come from Marvel, DC, Star Wars etc. If a subject that comes up about any of those things, I will probably talk your ear off. 

Strong-willed. Will put my foot down, defend whatever is going on and then try to argue my way out or into what is going on.

All of these things are just the minor things of what I am and who I am. Yes, I have issues but we all do, I just know how to hid them better than most other people do my age. But you know what? I have an amazing Heavenly Father that has healed me and continues to heal from my brokenness and issues that have grasped me from not opening up more and more. So you can start at me, whisper to one another, but if you never really meet me or don’t have no motivation to meet me, then please don’t call me weird names or speak ill of me. That’s not what I need in my life… Just be a friend to me and be caring and understanding how I deal with things and how I cope. Like Yoda would say, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side,” or something like that. 

Don’t let your heart be troubled 

Let not your heart be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” John 14:1

What did you expect? Everything was going to go your own way, and people were just going to follow behind you? Guess what, you got what you wanted and ended up stepping on people’s throats and hearts in the process. You cannot live through life like you haven’t done anything wrong; that’s not how the Holy Spirit works. Can’t you see what you’ve done; can’t you see that your not to be trusted after the treachery you caused. A Christian such as yourself cannot prance around and step on people like that. That’s our sin nature that makes us do that; Satan wants us to crush people and lie to them to make him feel good. Guess what, you succeed in that. You’ve hurt a great person and shattered they’re trust. 

Let not your heart be troubled it says in John 14:1. We as Christians cannot just mope around thinking that everyone who has rubbed us the wrong way should trouble our hearts all the time. No. Its not something we find joy in doing nor does it heal anything that has been hurt. The paragraph above is something that shows what a troubled heart looks like, and the anger and hurt that comes from it. Those words sounds mean and bitter coming from a Christian young woman such as myself. But like the book of James says: “Count it all joy, my brothers for you’ll meet trials of various kinds for you know the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.” (James 1:2-3)  Even if our hearts our troubled and we face trials, joy and steadfastness should be our ally. 
To quote 1 Timothy 6:11 “Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness and gentleness.” All these things should be the main reason we live for Christ even if our hearts are broken and troubled. So while you rest under a grey cloud and think the whole world is crashing down on you everyday. (I am preaching this to myself as well.) Don’t think God is giving up on you and what your fighting for “Fight the good fight of the faith.” 1Timothy 6:12. You cannot live through life thinking that nothing good will happen to you or anyone you know; bad things will happen and negativity will be in the air. But God’s love still remains through it all; hurt, depression, anxiety etc. Never forget who your loving Father in Heaven is, be He will never lie to you or turn your back on you. He is always there, all the time.

Let not your heart be troubled. Count it all joy and pursue righteousness even when you think you can’t do nothing. Continue to fight the good fight of the faith and never give up on God’s grace.