Masks are for Halloween

Masks are used to scare off the evil spirits, but for me masks are use to ward off my autistic self to protect myself. So I guess I wear a mask whenever I feel like someone is gonna hurt me…

Regulating how I feel is hard for me. Speaking words that don’t come from the heart or mind get mixed up. Wearing clothes that don’t hurt me gives me anxiety everyday. Trying to eat food even though I can’t tell if I’m hungry has gotten harder day by day. Sleep is a battle depending on the day or week. Fidgeting with toys has become the norm lately. My heart has started hurting again every now and then. Putting on a facade or mask only happens when others have hurt me. It’s gotten better to function in society, but only with the mechanisms that are put in place.

When you look at me face to face, or you speak to me; you could never tell that I’m autistic. You could go through your entire life not knowing that information about me. But, once I unmask and feel comfortable with certain people and my surroundings, that’s when I feel better at being myself. To some that can look like lying or being deceptive of who I truly am, but in reality it was suppressing the person the God created me to be like everyone else on this earth that isn’t autistic. That why when you see me being extra loud, talkative, physical etc. that’s because I’m masking.

In the past with my other friends, I didn’t display those traits. Because all I did was mimic them; I played pretend and did whatever they did so I could fit in. So, they probably think now, “Well you never acted like that before?” You’re right I didn’t; just not around you. When I’m at home or with people that aren’t gonna make fun of me, I am perfectly safe enough to be my autistic self. But once I feel slight judgement, that’s when I switch to being myself to being a masked version of myself. Saying that sounds super selfish and mean, but in all reality it’s honestly to protect myself from being treated horribly.

When I use to work at the farm store, I didn’t tell them I was practically disabled. Because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was gonna get bullied. In the end… I still got treated that way and practically destroyed emotionally and mentally by that place. On top of an abusive relationship and other issues that occurred during that time. So I became a puddle of mud… Everyone stepped in me and it wouldn’t stop. As my life went on, I remained masked and never really portrayed my true self to others anymore, not even to my own husband. It was safer for me that way I didn’t get hurt.

Unfortunately, I ended up in the ER a few times where my heart started to freak out and I felt like death was upon me. Since those few times, I started to unmask my autism and just be my true self. But as some like myself, understanding, processing, eating, sleeping and just basically existing is a uphill battle for me. One day I can have small sensory issues, and then the next I’m nonverbal and I’m in constant pain. Being autistic is spontaneous and unplanned… It hurts that I have to ask questions, ask for special food and wear headphones because I cannot function in a neurotypical environment.

Putting on a mask is hard now. Once I have done it, I have to deal with the consequences of doing that. The next day, my heart is hurting, the left side of my face is throbbing and I’m severely depressed. (Still am…) I’m doing my best to live me life as the way God created me, but sometimes people hurt me and that makes me want to disappear or play pretend/make believe. It can’t escape anymore when I was little; I’m an adult woman. I have to basically lift my head up high and walk through this life as someone who is autistic. It’s not been easy for me; especially currently in my life as a twenty-six year old woman who is married.

I hope that the people who are around me will be able to understand me, be patient and ask me what my needs are. Not belittling me, not disrespecting me and thinking I will suddenly change who I am. I’m not a neurotypical person and I will not be changing who and what God created me to be for anyone. I’m wired differently and I’m happy about that.

Coram Deo

Welcome to me

Hate when you ask how I’m doing
I know that you’re just assuming
I’m better now, not bleeding out
Get outta bed on a good day
Lately that’s all I can do, hey
I go through hell to hide myself

Sometimes, I like to look at myself in the mirror for a long time just to admire how I see myself in the mirror. As I gaze on my physical appearance it brings me to a place where I feel broken, weird and different. I have walked my 26 years of life believing that I was always the weird one and no one will ever respect or understand who I was. I played pretend since I was little so I could have friends and boys would like me. But when I was not around other people, I still continued to do my normal routines, cope and feel comfortable in my own skin.

While time went on, I slowly hid my true self from others because I wanted to feel the same as everyone else. The idea of being the ‘weird girl’ and ‘adult child’ felt wrong to me. I wanted to be seen as someone who had it put together, someone girls like me could like, and someone that girls my age can relate to. But I grew up, I experienced trauma, hurt, and pain; I couldn’t express my true self without feeling exposed and embarrassed. The way God created me gave me a insight of being broken my whole life and I lived like that for a while.

It wasn’t til I got married that I started to see that I truly wasn’t the same nor felt the same like a lot of girls or women around me. I don’t like physical touch or sex. I don’t understand jokes, phrases or expressions. I’m empathic, but I also can be very cold and robotic. I cannot deal with large crowds with screaming people and children. Certain lights hurt my eyes, and too much going on makes me want to flee. For some that don’t simply understand, all of those can sounds like I’m being dramatic, but in reality those things truly do bother me.

Now, this isn’t my weaponizing my self diagnoses, but simply showing you who read this blog what it’s like to walk in my shoes. Because you can say you understand, but you didn’t live my life when I was growing up. You didn’t view yourself as a broken person and weird. I have my best friend Rachel and my special interests when I was growing up. My family helped me cope and deal with my anxiety that came with being wired differently. But that all changed when I got married and moved out. My life turned upside down…everything changed drastically.

When I got married I wanted to be like everyone else; married, happy and being washed in God’s Word. That was my dream as a little girl. I played pretend with Barbies where my folks got married to good men and lived good lives. But for me, it feels like I’m living each day just to survive and feel happy, when in reality I feel like I will crack any moment. My routine keeps changing. Nothing stays constant in my life besides Christ; which isn’t a problem but everything I try to keep the same is all messed up now. I hate it. I hate it…

I hate expressing what I’m going through because it comes off as complaining. I’m not complaining I’m screaming for help. I don’t know what I’m doing… This is all very hard for me to deal with and understand; I want to go back and be the little girl in my daddy’s arms. Please… I wanna feel safe and secure. I am having trouble coping and dealing with anxiety. Now I have numbing depression and fighting off loneliness. None of this I have spoken out loud because standing up for myself was taken away from me four years ago. But, I’m saying these things now…

Being wired differently has been very hard for me, on top of having trauma as well. Will it all go away? Maybe. Is it temporary? I hope so, but being different than others is not a temporary thing.

It hasn’t been easy being me… I hope some of you can understand and walk in my shoes one day…

Lyrics are from Mothica’s song ‘everything at once’.

✨Live Coram Deo✨

Don’t perceive me as normal

Some won’t understand and some might treat you differently now. You’ll get stared at, glared at and questionable looks. Children will try to ask for your frog stuffed animal, or want your stimming toys. Normal functioning adults will probably stop talking to you and slowly but surely isolation sinks in. It’s okay. Just keep going. No need to continue trying to please them anymore. Be yourself. Don’t perceive me as normal.

The air feels more thinner than usual. You feel uneasy most days. Trying to mask yourself has gotten hard to do and it gives you headaches. Those who don’t get it just walk away. While those who do, stick around till the end. It’s getting harder again like when it was in Middle School. You have become the weirdo, the freak, the silent child. Everything that is done, that is said and portrayed never goes unseen. You remember it all. But that’s not a normal way of thinking or perceiving things. Don’t perceive as normal.

If they truly don’t understand, then don’t ask questions and don’t help. Help from others who cannot grasp what it’s like to be different mentally from others can go by the way side. You don’t need people who don’t get it or claim it’s your fault. They don’t see the whole picture you’ve painted for years. They don’t truly know you at all. Your mind views the world in a way others won’t; which is fine for you but odd for others. It’s not a normal brain. Don’t perceive as normal.

Life for you is different, and something to not take easily. Other view it as discontentment, while in reality that’s not true. Your brain isn’t their brain, your thoughts aren’t their thoughts and your emotions aren’t their emotions. You struggle being an adult because you’re mentally still a teenager. You want to be like everyone else, but you can’t and honestly never will be. You cannot be fixed. You don’t want to be fixed. Don’t let other try to fix you or mold into something you’re not. Don’t perceive me as normal.

Those around you need to step lightly with you and be patient. They need to understand that you are different than them and you have a hard time in life that they cannot grasp. It’s not your fault. Don’t shove blame on yourself because others have done so. They don’t get it. God made you this way. He created you differently from the rest of His children. If He understands you, then those around should try to do the same. If not…dust of your sandals and leave. It will be hard for them, but they can do their best to make a way into understanding who YOU are. You aren’t a normal human being that thinks similar to them.

You are neurodivergent. You are autistic. You are different.

So… Don’t perceive me as normal. Because guess what… I’m not.

✨Coram Deo✨