It was 10:45pm on a Monday night. I was sitting up in my bed, looking around at all my things placed and stashed away in this small bedroom. Items I have collected and were given to me by old friends. I reminisce on how all of these things were in my old room at my parents, and how everything was organized neatly in its proper place. Whilst everything is now trashed or thrown on the floor and not organized. My bedroom isn’t what it was when I lived with my parents, the bathroom is disorganized and the kitchen cannot stay clean. I feel miserable. I hate having to come back to this place because I cannot stand how its has become. If I still lived with my parents, I wouldn’t have dirty laundry everywhere, I wouldn’t feel claustrophobic in my own bed, and my things would be cleaned and organized. But, unfortunately none of it is anymore. While I sat up in my bed that night, I started to cry because I still haven’t gotten accustomed to being married and having my own home. It’s been seven months, and my home is trashed and ugly on the inside. On top of how it looks inside, my body and mind hasn’t been able to deal with being married and away from my parents. I stopped eating full meals or meals in general, and started losing a lot of weight. I stopped writing, reading and art. I stopped a lot of things because I felt no joy or happiness with any of the things I use to do before I moved out.
I feel like I am suffocating and having are hard time focusing on my life as a married adult. Its not easy trying to grow up and its not easy learning new things. I wish time can go backwards where I felt the most comfortable and somewhat safe in. But then again, if that would’ve happened, then I would’ve never met my husband and all the people that’s come my way. Even still, looking back on my life versus now, I cannot tell the difference of when I was truly genuinely happy and not feeling miserable all the time. My depression has gotten worse along with my anxiety; I am also not sleeping well at night either again. Its not easy and I feel as though I am failing not only myself, but my parents, my grandparents and my husband for not being enough and not doing enough. The feeling of all eyes are on me and if I mess up, make a adult decision or talk about life, its all wrong in the eyes of everyone I failed. I’ve grown up thinking that being married and a wife was going to be one of the best things God has blessed me with with, but in turn it has caused me so much turmoil on my body and my mind. I realize that sounds selfish and ungodly to admit such a thing, but that’s where I have been lately.
My brothers both envy the fact I got married before them and look up to me for marital advice and to be an example. Sorry to say, its not that great, in my personal view. I am always worrying about money, inward appearance of my home, and food. I don’t talk about how everything is because I don’t need a lecture from everyone about how we have to just deal with it or telling how to live my life with my husband. That being said, its things like that, that make me personally feel insecure about my life with my husband. Which in turn makes it not easy on me as a whole. Our lives aren’t perfect. We make mistakes financially, we say the wrong things and we aren’t perfect Christians. None of it has been easy on myself and I don’t know where to start when it comes to talking about all of this, so I am putting it down in a blog post. Because communicating through actual verbal words is hard for me somedays when it comes to subjects such as this. But don’t worry, I am not wanting to give up being married for the sake of my mental and physical health; that’s not Christ-like and its very selfish. I am just explaining that it hasn’t been easy for me to acclimate to being married after seven months…
I would like those who read this blog to keep me in prayer as I navigate the ways of being married. I don’t take doing new things well and trying to get a routine down has been very hard on me mentally and physically. If you want to reach out to me, you can, but just know I may not talk about this all of sudden… Thank you for reading and understanding.
Live Coram Deo!
Inside My Head 