It’s been a long time since I was wide awake lying in my bed staring into void that is my bedroom. I think the last time I did that, was when I was back home in my old bedroom faced with so many thoughts of how my life was going to be before I got married. Now, I’m looking all around this new bedroom with a brain filled with thoughts, memories and conversations. Deciphering them over and over; picking at them piece by piece. But why 3:30am? Some would say it’s the Witching Hour, the time where your body is the most weakest, while others would say that I’m not sleeping. In reality, I’m awake with my thoughts, just processing them because it feels like I don’t have time to do that anymore…
So here are 3:30am thoughts that are circling my head as I lie wide awake in my bed.
• I miss my home. My family that surrounded me everyday. I feel like a stranger to them now, and when I see them on the other side of the screen it crushes my soul because I slowly feel myself slipping away from them.
• Myself isn’t who I thought I’d be anymore. This husk of a human who is in constant mental turmoil no matter where I am. Nothing makes me truly happy, and I don’t know why.
• Why can’t I sleep? I haven’t been able to truly feel like I’ve slept since I was younger. I keep waking up at times like these… Usually I’m crying or just sitting with my thoughts. But I never feel rested…
• I feel like I disappointed my family. I moved far far away, just for them to look at me and see someone who isn’t their daughter or sister anymore. A mere ghost of a person…
• I can’t seem to make the most of this move. Some days I can enjoy it, but I look back and see that the people who I cannot let go are living without me and that hurts my heart so much.
• I’m in pain. Never have I felt so miserable in my body, than I could ever remember. I understand I haven’t kept up with my vitamins, but even still… I’m in constant pain since being here. It’s very frustrating and draining.
• My life is the same as it was when before I left my home. Same life style, same financial issues, and same struggle everyday. Nothing is new and it makes me very crazy.
• Broken promises aren’t something I can’t wrap my head around because when I’m told that I’ll be happier, healthier and better over all, I take that and run with it. But… all I see are dark circles, sadness and pain.
• There’s no true schedule and routine anymore… It’s just whatever comes to mind… Which makes me very unhappy and angry. I don’t know what to do anymore.
• I haven’t unpacked. Except for like my collectibles, because those are important to me. But everything remains scattered around my living room or bed room. I’m not motivated to even touch anything anymore.
• It feels the same. The way our apartment looked in Ohio, is the same here in Texas. Unorganized, messy, depression piles everywhere and dirty clothes that haven’t been cleaned. This wasn’t what I had in mind when moving twelve hundred miles away…
• I miss my parents so much… When I see them back at home, I cry. Because I can’t see them and I can’t hug them. I feel like a kid lost at a grocery store calling for them, but they’re no where to be found.
• I feel sorry for leaving home. I hate having to hang up the phone every time with my family because I don’t want them to go. I need them. I need my mommy and daddy.
• I feel so lost here. I don’t understand anything anymore. My life got turned upside down and I can’t grasp it.
• I have my good days sometimes, but their swallows up by depression and sadness that I cannot figure out how I’m truly feeling.
• I just really miss my home. I miss what is going on everyday and seeing my family and going places with them. I hate being just this person who lives in Texas; someone on the other side of the phone. I feel like a ghost who can disappear at anytime…
That’s most of my thoughts this hour, and since it’s almost 4 am, I should try to get some sleep, even though I’ve been crying on and off while my husband is snoring next to me.
“I hate it here…”I’ve said that about everyday since being in Texas.
Change affects people differently in so many ways, but for someone like me, it’s feels like your life is being thrown away in the trash. For some, that can sound super dramatic and lame, but it’s not for a person like me who views the world through a different set of eyes. You’re probably thinking, ‘Well change isn’t that bad, sometimes it’s a good thing for all of us.’ Maybe for you, but for me, it’s like a hellscape I cannot process nor understand.
When thinking about moving away, I just wanted a solution for a lifetime problem. To be heard, to feel like I existed and to be truly loved by everyone. But whenever that actually happened, my mind and body went into cryogenic freeze, like Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back. All I could do was pack my things up, shuffle my way through the snow and say goodbye to my family. When deep down inside I was screaming for help all along, but had no way to ask for it. Sounds crazy, huh? Not really when you grew up different and weird all your life and only discovered it just as your life started to spiral.
I thought moving was going to be a happy ending for me, something I can look back on and be proud I took that leap. But after being here for a month and a half, my heart aches to be back home in Ohio with my family. Why? Because I just don’t fit in; never truly did anywhere I went to be honest. But, I was comfortable with the area I was in to the point where I was happy with being miserable. As my husband would say, “I am never truly happy anywhere I am or go.” Which is true, because I’m not a happy person to begin with. All you see is fake happiness and smiles because my happiness continues to get ripped away from me.
But before you point the finger at others, maybe remind you that this ‘stealing of happiness’ isn’t my husband’s fault. Don’t blame him for my life choices. It’s my own creation and mind set I’ve made up, because when life changes happen, I become very depressed and miserable to the point where I wish not to exist on this planet. Whoa that’s drastic, Sam. That’s because I haven’t been given the time to process and understand changes and traumas very well. I’m autistic for Pete’s sake! We don’t deal with change well!
But that’s an excuse to not continue to enjoy your life and glorify God in it! Yes, you’re correct on that, but I want to see what it’s like for you to walk in my shoes. To wake up everyday wanting to be home, the place you know everything about. A place that isn’t crowded or loud everyday. Where there is animals running around and cats to be held. A place where you can actually drive to without fear or danger. Traffic here is really scary and horrible. The place my therapist told me to go to when I felt suicidal or had ideations of such a thing. A place where I knew people were going to be home and I knew the schedule everyday… My home in Ohio.
Stop complaining. You made your choice. I may have made a choice, but I hate it so much. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life than being here in Texas holding my Barney plushie wanting to badly to go home. I’m like a child trapped in a play ground searching for their parents. I realize I fought with my parents a lot about almost everything, but all I was really looking for was praise and approval. When in reality, that should’ve came from God first then from my parents second. All I was doing was people pleasing, and not living the way God wanted me to do. Which I still fight back and forth within myself.
All I’ve wanted was someone, and anyone to be happy for me that I’m doing the right thing. Not criticizing my choices, or how I do things. I’m going to do my life in a weird way with my husband. It’s not something that can be controlled or worry about. I thought moving to Texas was going to prove that, but I honestly don’t see it. I thought I could have a clean start away from everything that has hurt me and mentally scarred me. But all I see, is that I turned my back away from my life that I became comfortable with and waved goodbye. I’m so sorry Dad. My little green car packed up to the brim with all my problems and hurt, and driving away down the long drive way of memories.
So while I feel trapped here, and moving through this life I’ve created like a ghost in Boo’s Castle, my one regret is not seeing this through fully and completely without emotion and anger. Because after doing my best to process this transition, I realized that it was out of a lot of emotions I couldn’t explain to anyone, not even my husband. It felt like a cat trapped in a carrying cage, dazed and confused; unsure where they’re truly going. Don’t point the finger at my husband, it’s not his fault in this. It’s hard and it hurts, especially when you feel like an outsider and confused about your surroundings everyday you wake up. Like Paul Atreides.
Now I feel like everything is happening without me there… Life moves on and we forget about me. Sounds selfish, I know. But if you saw it from my eye, that’s how it looks like and feels. You’re alone now, so you have to watch as the season change on the outside… Can I just got back to a time where I was younger? Please…
I’ve joked with my husband a few times when he asked me what my thoughts are on new years, and my response is always, “I’m just glad I’m still alive.” Now, before you call the authorities, I have never once attempted suicide, but there was several thoughts about it. Ya see, being the person I am, my ideas and thoughts are not positive at all; it’s all negative and no hope. Why? Well, I have experienced loss, sickness, pain and mental anguish for several years and I honestly wish it would simply end. But as I get older, and continue to live my life differently than most, those experiences don’t seem to leave me be.
Now you see why I joke about still being alive? Not solely because I want to not be alive, but because I want the suffering to end. I want people to be proud of me, and not cause me distress. I want to have friends that actually care for me and stick around. I want to feel healthy and mentally sane. But we all can’t get what we want in life, even if you pray everyday for it to stop. Thus why it feels like a repeat each year and each day I breathe; the same garbage every single day. It’s the same, which coming from someone who likes routines, it’s starting to become boring. Moments in time that leave scars and not smiles. Laughs that turn into cries. Happiness that is masked by sadness. All it being shoved in to one year after the next…
With each passing year, I hope to be a better Christian, a better wife and a better daughter; but I don’t feel that way at all no matter what I do and say. I’m not joking at all when I say that; I’m being quite honest when I say that I want to be a better version of my current self. Unfortunately, too much trauma has broken my confidence, that I am too scared to even live my life to the fullest. Not because the therapy isn’t working, it’s because moments in my life seem to bring the trauma I’m letting go back up. I want to feel happy without the daunting fear and thoughts of no matter what I do, it won’t make anyone happy for me.
It’s sad, because pleasing people is against the Bible, and allowing others to walk all over you isn’t Christian at all. Yet, every day I walk on this earth it seems that’s all I do to make sure that everyone can remain happy and joyful, while I am slowly crumbling in a dark corner. Why do I do that? Well I was told that I have to sacrifice myself for others to the point where I have no soul. That others around me matter more than I do, and that their needs are more important than mine. I do what I am told, and I do my best to stay alive. But these years of only surviving have caused me to become tired and dead inside.
The whole ‘new year, new me’ phrase is lost to me, because I’ve been trapped in a state of mine since 2018. A state where I wish I was my younger self, where nothing bad happened to me, and I can live my life as Christ wants me to. But, then again it was Christ who allowed such things to happen to me in the first place. It can’t be let go because it’s a part of me, it’s who I am now. Defined by the wrongs people have done by me, and the hurt that follows me everywhere I go. Just leave me alone. I have enough negativity going on, why continue to shove more on my shoulders?
Allow me to live the way I want to and breathe the air we all breathe. I may not follow the expectations that are laid out before me, at least I’m still alive and not locked up in a hospital somewhere. It’s not selfishness nor pride that I carry with me. Both of those things were destroyed by horrible people in the past. It’s more about wanting people to care about me, and not caring about me for their personal gain. “But that’s your perspective, feelings and thoughts!” Well, that’s how I see things in my life; just ask my husband. Everything is defined by my emotions, some which I can barely understand myself.
So as you read this and try to piece who I am through the ‘oh woes me’, understand I am a person who has battled many wars and not one of them was won by me. I wish they were won, and I wish I didn’t have the mental scars to prove it. But, I do and that is who I am now and possibly forever. Don’t feel bad for me dear Christians, just be happy I still walk among you and haven’t giving into the sin that is not wanting to exist anymore.
I feel like Elijah asking God for permission to die in the wilderness because he’s had enough…
This post goes along with Unbalanced. So read that first before reading this one.
Paranoia brings out the worst in people. Not only does it destroy relationships, but it eventually will destroy you from the inside out. Whether that paranoia comes from guilt, secret sin or trauma, it shouldn’t be rewarded due to our own personal fears we keep close to our hearts. Why? Because sin isn’t something that we just lift up a rug and sweep under; it’s not to be forgotten. Yet here we are; allowing a sin to continue when it could’ve stopped a long time ago. But since it was rewarded with good things out of our own paranoia, it still remains.
If someone close to you repeated an offense, why should they get the god treatment? Why do they need to be reminded of the person they offended daily out of fear and paranoia? History shows they’ll just do it again, yet it was swept under a rug. Sin shouldn’t be left to fester and destroy relationships; it should’ve been dealt with the first time you caught it. So, why is it being rewarded just for it to happen over and over? You don’t know? Perhaps the false perception you have about this is blinding you. Perhaps, you need to be in more prayer and devotion with God to understand what you did was very very wrong.
The Bible talks about handling sin against one another very clearly in Matthew 18, but when we talk about doing such things, we never actually put it to good use. Instead, the sin and darkness festers and slowly eats away at the very core of the home you live in. How is that right in the eyes of The Lord? How is that right in the eyes of the pastor and the church leadership? From what can be seen, it’s practically a lie and spit in the face of God. Don’t preach what you simply cannot do.
Pride allows us to do some sinful things; whether it’s covering up a sin or allowing it, it still destroys people’s trust in you. Distrust causes more issues than you’d know and the people around will slowly disappear from your life one by one. That openness and grace you once installed in the home, will soon dissolve into egg shells and fear. Don’t believe these words? Ask the others what they think and feel then? Or is that paranoia and pride too? See what happens when you reward a sin, it causes uneasiness inside you as well; its called: guilt.
If a sin against a loved one was repeated, why continue on like it’ll never happen again? Giving off the visual perception that everything is healthy and fine; when in reality it’s not. Putting up some facade among the people in the home so they can’t worry, isn’t going to help you and your soul. It only causes those around you to not trust you more. Why? That’s a conversation between you and God; something that should’ve been happening when this whole thing began…
Years can escape us when we allow and reward a sin that causes our heart and mind to decay. Ripping away the true person you were before this all began, and sprouting a shadow of anger and deceit. It’s hard to determine who is who, when the real person no longer exists because of something they allowed to happen in the first place. Pretty harsh, huh? Well with all things considered, it’s practically true.
You can see a lot of things when you are standing from a distance; fear, pain, discomfort and yet… it goes under the radar. Why? Guilt maybe… Who knows anymore because it all looks the same now. Sin isn’t something that needs a pedestal to have because it’s embarrassing or heinous. It shouldn’t be dealt with and cut off, not create a Hydra of more sin.
Lies brings distrust, which in turns being paranoia and then fear. That doesnt look good on those who you live with on a constant basis. It only invokes anger and eventually they’ll learn to not talk to you anymore. But guilt controls our motives to the point of non-habitual actions and demeanor change; something others are aware of and know that it’s fake.
But sin is fine, right? Living in sin that was created and allowed is okay? Causing it to rip off the edges of a home built on statues, morals and beliefs. That sounds like a white washed tomb… Someone who claims what they preach, but doesn’t actually do it.
Hypocrisy.
Lies.
Guilt.
Rewarding of Sin.
Anger.
Hurt.
Distrust.
Darkness upon the home… a safe place for all of us… a place where we enjoyed to be… now destroyed by sin from years and years…
No one is happy, no believes you. An act is only an act until is seen through…
“A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight.” Proverbs 11:1 (ESV)
A home shouldn’t feel uneasy to reside in; no egg shells to crack and no stomach churned. The Holy Spirit should live in our dwellings, and provide a sense of comfort and peace among us. Yet, when darkness prevails and we allow it inside those doors, that peace becomes unbalanced and broken.
The Bible talks about how one must manage their homes, and how The Lord doesn’t allow unjust acts to continue. But unfortunately, sinners really love to sin; so much so it destroys other people that live in the home. If you were hoping for distrust, anger, confusion and uneasiness; you have achieved it. A sick feeling that is at the pit of our stomach; a facade, someone who is trying to hide it. Unbalanced.
The Lord is our just weight; the one who keeps us righteous and pure in situations that are dreary. He keeps us balanced and on track; the good to weigh out the bad. But that scripture that I used doesn’t just refer to our walk with The Lord, but also how our homes are run and look like from within.
You see caring about outward appearances when something goes wrong in our lives only leads to building a personal idol and pride. The care for wanting to be perceived as everything is fine, when in reality: nothing is ever fine at all. Trying to hide a sin because it was so embarrassing and heinous, only leads to an unbalanced home. Distrust grows from such idolatry of being perceived as happy and fake.
Being unbalanced not only at home, but in your own walk causes sin to seep through the cracks and infiltrate others from within. This allows others to sin alongside you and create more distrust, uneasiness and darkness. The Lord looks down upon those who create sin along with the sinner…
“No ill befalls the righteous, but the wicked are filled with trouble.” Proverbs 12:21 (ESV)
A home is supposed to be a safe place to be, not a place to escape from any chance you have. It’s a place of warmth, happiness and peace; but it turned into an unbalanced weight from unjust acts. How can you enter the Kingdom of Heaven and explain to God why your home is unbalanced? Will you lie or simply fake it til you make it?
That sick feeling you may feel comes from playing the part of the sinners; ones who allow it to happen and allow it to crush those around you; becoming unbalanced in a lot of ways. You might laugh to yourself thinking that it’s not true and you had no part in such a thing, but in all fairness… It was you this entire time.
“Yeah, I’ma just ignore you, walking towards you With my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you Very loyal? Shoulda had my back but you put a knife in it My hands are full, what else should I carry for you? I cared for you…”-NF, Let You Down
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ won’t fix anything unless the change you make is true and not fake. Doing odd things out of practice will only create more unbalance and distaste, but at least you’re happy, right? What about the others? Talk to them, like actually talk to them. What are they going to say to you? Perhaps truth that comes from reading Scripture or perhaps pure unadulterated pain after not sleep.
Whatever unbalanced home you reside in, remember that despite what the sinners have done; it’s not your fault. If the ones who created the unbalance wish to make it worse, then allow them to do so. You already voiced your issues… They don’t seem to really care, unless they put up a facade to do so.
Sinners are blinded by their sin, and firmly believe they’ve truly done no wrong in their eyes. Maybe they should look inside their home… The people that cared about them, are slowly not wanting anything to do with them and coming to terms with their thoughts. Distrust, uneasiness, lies, and darkness really crushes that sole of a believer who is just trying to survive…
Do you see them? The ones you’ve hurt… The ones who disappear when you are around… What is that called?
It’s almost 2am, and I’m sitting up awake in my bed with a mind full of emotions. My body hurts, my heart hurts and I feel like everything just continues to pile on in my life like a Jenga tower.
After watching the farm for two weeks, I felt peace but then slowly becoming overwhelmed with depression, anxiety and obviously sensory overload. It was hard to be home, when a presence lurked behind the shadows; which I didn’t know about at all.
For me, it’s hard enduring emotionally charged events and conversations, but this time around I released pain and hurt from way back in the past. Pain that had been felt before and pain that escaped again yesterday. Whatever you want to call it, it was hard to feel several emotions to the point you wanted to harm yourself.
The frustration that your point isn’t coming across or that what’s being told isn’t true eats away at your soul. That knowing something isn’t right and no matter how many times you scream and yell, something still feels wrong. Standing there wanting to scratching your very skin til it bleeds is scary when your faced with a thousand thoughts and scenarios that play in your mind.
Staring deep into the eyes of your younger self wondering what came of this moment in your life; a moment that feels like a nightmare. Why? What caused this to happen again? Was it selfishness? Pride? Narcissistic behavior? Whatever you make yourself feel or believe… It’s still not right.
Sinful desires, pleasures and fears play a lot into decisions we make in this wretched world. We allow skeletons to become closeted, and play pretend for weeks, months and years. But nothing is enough if we enjoy the vomit we threw up, right? We’re all like dogs wanting to enjoy cat poop or our own vomit everyday.
God speaks of Israel in the Old Testament as a donkey in heat; meaning Israel loved returning back to their sin over and over. Israel sinned in the eyes of the Lord… Hosea is a perfect depiction of how God views us; a whore returning to sin, and God watching us do it over and over again. Suffering, dying and choking on our sin. Sin that hurts everyone, but just blackens your heart.
True repentance is the only thing that should happen if you have gotten yourself stuck in the quicksand, but remember: the more you move, the faster you sink. Allowing yourself to sink causes everyone else to sink with you; which in turn causes death and suffocation to occur.
Suddenly that feeling of wanting to scratch my skin returns… Something isn’t right. Something that was said rings my ears like a gong. It felt like a lie, a show if you will. Processed or not; it’s not gonna go away. It will remain like a scar on your skin. A reminder of harm you’ve done to yourself… But that harm digs deeper than just the surface level of the skin…
Call it what you will, but falling down a pit only allows others to follow by example. Being a leader means you set the tone and the expectations of your team. A team that trusts you is a team that fights for you. I don’t know if that team will fight for you now; especially if it continues when it was verbalized it was not. Either way… It happened.
My body hurts with expressed emotions from yesterday. Emotions that have always been hard to express fully to the max. But after that moment of time; I still feel like a soda pop ready to explode. Something still doesn’t feel right to me… Or am I just crazy? I know what I heard…
Being the oldest and experiencing something that I was never aware of in the past is quite scary when your other family members are on the line. You want to be the protector, while you slowly die inside from the emotions pent up. You want to keep them all safe, but your shield doesn’t feel big enough… You want to be strong enough but your armor isn’t tough enough…
God, I understand you allow things to happen so we can draw closer to you… But can you stop allowing me to suffer, please. I’ve done enough of it over time and I want peace, happiness and rest from everything I’ve endured. Not just pile on more suffering and more pain to add to the existing problems.
I want it all to stop now… I want to be that little girl that was happy and healthy. I want to know that my family will be okay and safe. I want people to stop leaving me behind. I want my head to stop spinning with hurt and heartache. I want to sleep at night without waking up. I want, I want, I want…
Sometimes… the things we want, turn into things we never wanted at all.
It’s now 2:15am… I am tired… My brain is wide awake with words and emotions, but my body is in pain for expelling everything from my soul.
Lord, heal my broken heart… Heal the sinful people who harmed my life. Allow them to seek true repentance from the sins they’ve committed not only against me, but others that are in my life. As much as I want to be like Elijah when he asked God to kill him; I must remain on this earth for a reason. Whether it’s for my husband, my family or my church; my life and my duty is to my Jerusalem first.
As you read this post, there will be small letters to individuals that have left my life but remain in my head. Individuals that like to point their fingers at me, cause me grief and play childhood memories like movies in my head. Sadness brings them out in the open, trauma foams out anger and depression makes it hard to live because of them. These letters are a form of healing for me and a way to voice things on paper without crying to the void. Don’t mourn for me readers, just understand how Christ has brought me here and how I’ve been trying to move on in my life.
~0~
Grandpa: It’s been two years since The Lord took you away from us. Two years of mourning your death and remembering my childhood like it was just yesterday. I want to tell you I got a crow tattooed on my arm to remember the times I watched you feed them and care for them. It’s an image that is engraved in my mind forever; something special like when we used to fish at Great Uncle Wayne’s house or when we ate breakfast together every morning when I was a little girl. I can’t eat everything bagels without seeing you read your newspaper and drinking your black coffee.
Grandma misses you dearly, even if she won’t admit it to anyone; but I can tell she misses you a lot. It hurts me to see her silently suffering and I cannot do a thing except pray for her healing from the grief. She needs to understand that the older she gets the worse her health and mind will get; I don’t want her to suffer the way you did. I can’t lose another grandparent again; I’ll have no other grandparents left if she leaves us. I don’t want to end up like Taylor and have grandparents who died with several regrets on their shoulders. I want to live my life knowing we fulfilled what Mom promised: taking care of grandma when you died. But its hard when she doesn’t want help…
I know you’re dead and gone, but your death has bothered me for so long that I reminisce on my childhood often with Taylor. Oh how I wish you knew him more and how I should’ve apologized for never catching up with you and grandma. I’m so sorry, and I miss you very much with each passing day. I hope being reunited with Great Uncle Wayne has been a blessing and being in the presence of our Lord has filled your spirit with joy.
Your granddaughter,
Miss Samantha
*
Rachel: It pains me to write a piece for you after what you did to me twice. Betrayal doesn’t look good on you and neither does lies. I enjoyed being your friend and a sister figure to you both in the past and not too long ago. But friends aren’t ones to just take all the burdens of another, like a pack mule in Chile; we share them together and help one another out. Yet, I became the pack mule and got used as a therapist, not a real friend. I understand you stood by me when Taylor wasn’t treating me right for those six months of separation, but once it was done and I wanted to help you with Tyler; it became a huge deal that I was giving helpful advice. Being best friends doesn’t always mean we agree to everything being said, but sometime down the road you’ll see that one of us was right.
Tyler is a tool who is just using you. A child that doesn’t understand commitment and probably won’t truly propose to you at all. You’re going to be stuck as the girl friend for years to come until you get tired of being just the girl friend and that’s it. At least your sister was able to land a decent guy who proposed to her and makes her truly happy. Not some lame version of happiness that you can only achieve by having sex with someone for three seconds. That’s called being used and being the user. I wanted to help you find true happiness with someone who could help you with your trauma, but you refused my help over and over.
Sooner or later, one of us was going to leave; I just chose to do it before I got to a point of burn out and severe depression. I don’t enjoy being used, lied to and jerked around like some dog toy. I was your friend… A childhood memory to cling to when things got bad, but the more we grew up the worse the world got… I will miss the good times we had and the laughs we did create.
Your Sherlock,
Sam
*
Amber: I’ve written a letter to you before, but that was in anger and hurt; something I’ve gotten over for a long time now. While there is some hurt that remains, it’s not as strong as it was in the past. So, if you see this small letter addressed to you, don’t view it as a call out but something to reminisce on good and bad times…
Out of all the friends that have come and gone in my life, yours was quite special to me. I had a friend that was like a true sister in Christ, someone I could trust everything with and more. We laughed, we made up our own phrases and we hung out almost everyday. Heck, we even worked together in the same store for two years… But unfortunately, a lot of drama and trauma happened that caused us to split apart; that devastated me because I lost a true friend who understood me and cared for me unlike any other. It was hard seeing you not in my wedding, and not helping with decorations and fixing my dress train like a maid of honor does. We would talk about being at each other’s weddings being the maids of honor, but that childish dream disappeared.
You decided to listen to people who hated my family, and follow in their footsteps; even Steven followed you too and my brothers lost a friend that day as well. As days went on, I realized that my ex ruined my friendship and so did that church and all the members connected with you. I felt lonely again, and it was dark without any friends in my life for a long time. That was until Taylor came into my life…
So, while you’re off enjoying marriage with Steven, even though you spent pre-marriage living with him (which is against the Bible, btw), I hope your life is good and you find people that aren’t going to stab you in the back.
Your five year friend,
Sam
*
Germany (Olivia): Hey, it’s been years since we spoke and even more years since I’ve seen you. There are days where I sit and ponder about what went wrong with our friendship, and how it broke apart in the beginning. But nothing comes to mind… Just fond memories of anime, laughs and inside jokes. I miss having my girl squad again… You, me, Elizabeth, and Jess. It was fun having different girls from different backgrounds to call friends, but it soon ended when a single person had to spread rumors about my siblings and I. We were like sisters almost, and your parents were close to me as well; heck your mom stitched my wedding dress to make it fit right for me.
It was hard when we drew apart and then never saw each other again. Even though I caught glimpses of you at stores; it just never felt the same for me anymore… I am very happy you found the right person to treat you with respect and love; you have always deserved someone who loves you for you. Marriage is hard for those who have gone through trauma, but knowing how strong you are, you can make it through.
I wish you could see us now (my siblings and I) we all have our own favorite anime we love and enjoy now. Some more than others…
Thank you for being a part of my life
Sam aka England
*
Andrew Hancock: I sit in that pew watching you preach to the small congregation you’ve created. A group that only follows you because of the clique you surrounded yourself with; a den of thieves and a pit of vipers. It’s disgusting to see the images that plague my mind of all the things you said and did to not only me, but to my family as well.
A groomer? As a pastor you’re to protect your followers from being prey to evil such as groomers and sexual predators, but you didn’t. I suffered a lot because of your pride and best intentions for me; I was close to wanting to end my life because of you and what you allowed. How was that okay? Why did you think allowing me to marrying a groomer and a sexual predator was okay? Because Doug Wilson does it? Because my ex was very similar to you in a lot of ways?
Whatever your reasons were, they weren’t biblical. Your judgement was blinded by your distaste for my family, so much so, that you ruined friendships. I hope you enjoy being a liar, a cesspool of sin and a fake pastor. A leader needs followers, and you certainly have the right sheep to follow you: a den of thieves and a pit of vipers.
A broken, hurt girl you created,
Samantha Runge
*
Makayla: Ya know I cared a lot about you and when I noticed your self harm scars on your arms, I knew you needed help. But as time went by, you became the biggest sore in my life. Someone who came into my brother’s life and just decided to smash it like a bug. We protected you during the time Andy accused Josh of an inappropriate relationship, and we even allowed you to come to our new church. But it was all a show, right? Just a phase of life till you could have your own party?
Nick hates you now. With the power of a thousand suns, actually. Why? Well, when you display fake, it’s easy to catch what type of person you truly are. The last few times we saw you, we just played pretend for you because we just didn’t enjoy your company anymore. You became that fly that we just batted around the room, hoping you’d seek another pile of poop. But you kept swooping into our lives like we were a security blanket for you; it was disgusting.
Honestly, I feel like Josh is better off without a toxic person like yourself in his life and ours. You did your best to hold onto us, but as you realized, you needed to be your own person and live your own life. Whether it was living the college party life or not; either way you made your choice.
Stay safe, and don’t go back to self harm again…
Sam
*
Josh and Marci: Manipulation is such an evil tactic to use on people, especially on people who are easily manipulated. It’s sad that you wormed your way into my life and then tore it up just for fun. What’s it like being masterminds of people’s fate, hm?
I have to say despite your best efforts to convince me that wearing black isn’t going to be something I would want to do in my thirties; sike, I still do just out of spite to the both of you. You two are a disease that needs cured. Sin that continues to grow and a mud puddle that just won’t clear up. It’s truly sad isn’t it? To live one’s lives like you did nothing wrong, but in reality, you actually did? I hope your new daughter knows just how big of fakers you two truly are and also how much manipulation you hold as well.
My family wants to get over the things you two created and let happen, but it’s hard when my own brother has to see it everyday at work. Dealing with the constant heartache and headache you two have created and whipped up isn’t healthy; neither is whatever bullshit you spew from your mouths.
Worship was something I felt called to do, yet when I got kicked off the praise team because I needed to sing professionally, I stopped going to school. Thanks for taking that away from me. Worshiping The Lord has nothing to do with how you outwardly appear on stage; it’s what’s in your heart that truly matters to God. But honestly with such a black heart, I’m not surprised the Worship is garbage there. So thanks for ruining a chance to have a career or a job, you dirt bags.
Enjoy stabbing others in the back, and speaking evil of them in secret.
Samantha
*
Katrina: Hey. Much thanks to you, I have gotten to love all things nerdy and geeky. You were a huge inspiration to me and showed me the world of Jane Austen and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle; it was beautiful and exhilarating. I truly miss my friendship with you…
Because of you, I have collected a lot of things from both books to geeky things. If only you could see my apartment and my entire collection… But alas, you disappeared into the fog after the fall of Crossbridge and we never saw you again. When I drive past where you used to live, I miss our deep talks and laughs. You figured me out and understood me better than myself; it was quite an eye opener.
I wish you can see me now; slowly suffering from unexplained pain and discomfort. Having you around to answer my questions, would be so helpful right about now… Instead, I’m stuck with doctors gaslighting me into believing it’s just simply anxiety and depression… I know it’s not either of those things.
I hope you’re living a wonderful and if not, you are truly missed Miss Katrina,
Samantha
*
Bailey: You were a good thing, I could tell… But the cult you are in destroyed the person you truly were. I was hopeful for you and Josh to work out, but once your father stepped in and twisted things everything was gone. I guess that’s what cults of Doug Wilson do, destroy relationships both platonic and romantic.
I hope your father rots in the fires of hell for the horrible things he did that allowed more horrible things to occur. If he wasn’t a follower under Doug, then things might have been better for us all. But again, cults have a way of ruining things that were pure and good. Disappointing, huh? Oh well. You probably cheated on Josh anyways with that bar guy, who you’re now married to now.
Because of your choices, you lost Esther Grace as a friend, which destroyed Nick. I hope you’re happy with that outcome; ruining and crushing someone’s heart and expectations. Now EG is married to some dude, and honestly, she doesn’t look happy at all. Fake happiness doesn’t look good on anyone.
Hope you enjoy living in a fake situation you created much thanks to your father and Doug Wilson.
Sam
*
Katelyn Lake: I knew the reason I hated horse girls was because of you. Something about you screamed: Don’t trust her. But we allowed you to walk into our lives and guess what, everyone we loved and were friends with sided with you…
The Butler County Fair wasn’t the same anymore when all your friends either grew up or followed the shadow you walked in. Why ruin our friendships? We loved those guys a lot and you just took it away from us because you tried to take my brother’s virginity in a closet? Or was it you were so miserable with the life you lived that you stole friends for such an evil benefit? Whatever it is, I hope you’re happy with the outcome. None of them are our friends anymore…
It was from them on, I knew not to trust horse girls… Because they are evil people who get off on ruining lives and spewing false truths for their own personal gain. How dark was your heart that taking happiness in friendships was okay? Guess we’ll never know.
I wish you could see what happened now…
Sam
*
Our Friend Group: You guys are missed dearly. It pains me to write a piece for all of you… What happened? Did we grow up and then grow apart, or did false truths split us apart. Whatever the reason, it’s lonely not having friends anymore in your mid to late 20’s.
Wherever you guys are in life, I hope The Lord blesses you and keeps you safe from toxic people that may rise up and destroy you. All of you played a part in our lives, whether it was game nights, fair days or movie dates. It was all important to us, and it plays a lot in our heads as we grow older.
If you ever get to a point where you don’t feel like you can go on, we are always here for you to reach out to and lean on. Remember, we never discriminated against you guys from the beginning and that’s not going to stop now.
Be blessed,
Samantha Runge
It’s hard to see people leave my life, especially people that have hurt me and my family very deeply. There are others that I didn’t put on this list because I didn’t want them to be hurt by the fact that they made this list. So if you read this post, my readers and view the things that I have said as harsh or raw; don’t read it.I’ve gone through hell and back again because of these specific people and most, not all, still play in my head like a bad movie. It’s painful, yes… But we must suffer well despite everything. We must live Corem Deo.
Parts of this post will be a telling of what happened to me in the past. A warning to those who have been sexual abused before or manipulated for sexual favors; this won’t be a easy post to read or write for me.
Women who are neurodivergent are easily misled and manipulated to do things they aren’t comfortable in doing. They can be sexually assaulted, beaten (domestic assault) and manipulated into thinking that everything that occurred was there fault. Most women that are neurodivergent even get raped, have a toxic relationship or become single parents because their partner/boyfriend abused them in horrible ways it leaves the woman damaged. But why am I writing about this? How would I know anything about any of that? Well… Have I have a story for you.
In the beginning of 2019, there was this guy I had met and started talking to through a group called Reformed Harmony. He was a nice guy at the beginning; going to seminary to become a Youth Pastor or Teaching Elder. The kid (I use that term for a reason) knew his stuff about Theology, Doctrine and what the Bible principally teaches. Unfortunately, he used that and being autistic himself, against me to gain things from me that I personally was naive about. Slowly he became very obsessed with how I dressed, did my hair and such that he asked in what ways I can prove he loved me. I was unsure what he meant by that, because I thought he already ‘loved me’. Little did I know that he thought that me sending pictures of myself looking ‘sexy’ were the best ways to boost his love for me, and him asking to take pictures of myself fully clothed in tight clothes would also boost that. Unaware of his addiction, it wasn’t til he came to visit during the summer time, that I realized that he had a sex problem and a porn problem. Thus why he asked for the photos of me hiking up my pants and wearing tight clothes etc.
It felt weird for me, because other boys I’ve interacted with didn’t ask me to do these things nor cared about the type of clothes I wore. They liked me for me and not because I looked sexy or sensual in any way. But, as time went on with this kid, he asked me to do things with him that I have never done before, things that happened in the presence of my sister and without the presence of anyone. He told me that grinding on him would make him love me more; all it really did was boost his sexual obsession of me and wanting to propose to me faster so he can have his way with me (his texts sounded like that often.) Unfortunately, I hadn’t really said anything to anyone, not even A. But when I told my pastor and his wife at the time the things he would do such as: manipulate me, gaslight me and make me feel like garbage because I refused the things he asked me for, all I got from the pastor was, “Oh he’s just grooming you. You can pray for him, but that’s what he’s doing to you.” This is also the same thing he said to me when I met with him after breaking off my engagement and explaining the things this kid did to me; which he almost allowed me to marry this scumbag too.
I was sexually abused, both physically and mentally by this kid. He would tell me he’d get erected all the time when I talked to him. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, and he ugly cried to my mom and I at midnight just to confess he would get that way because of me. (Which getting that way is totally natural if your attracted to a women physically and sexually.) But using that to manipulate a woman who has never been with a man sexually or at all isn’t the right way to go about having a godly relationship that is suppose to be Christ centered. He controlled everything; how I was supposed to look, wear my hair and act. It was exhausting and I felt like I was being drained from this person everyday of my life. This kid made me want to kill myself because of the things he did to me, on top of other things that had occurred during this relationship. It was pure hell. I had never really understood anything about sex (still don’t) and how men operate when it comes to sexual desire until I met that kid. I was filled with horror because I was confused about how men’s bodies work and how mine worked because I was fueled by someone who had an addiction issue with sex and wanting to have sex with me.
Now that I am married, I still don’t understand my own husband in a sexual way because of that trauma and I’m just not really interesting in learning anymore. No book can help me understand how my body works or how my husband’s body works. To be very honest, because of this trauma, I’m not sexually attracted to men and my husband. I have no sexual drive at all and the need/want to have sexual intimacy doesn’t go through my mind at all. There’s no thought about that at all. But that’s how God created us. To desire our spouses in a sexual way and to please them in that way. Maybe for you, but not for me. If that was the case then my husband would’ve already up and left me for someone much prettier and sexier than me; perhaps cheated on me. But, he hasn’t and he won’t. Just because I don’t ‘give’ him sex, doesn’t mean he’s just going to cheat on me or leave me. Sex may not be something that fills my head or that I have to stimulate him through out the day (gross by the way) shouldn’t make me less of a woman. Sex is traumatic. Sex is painful. Sex scares me. Am I healing from that? Yes. Healing takes time; it’s not an instant fix for me or anyone else. I don’t want to be ‘fixed’, just better.
So, if you ever wonder why I am the way that I am, this short story can tell you. I don’t talk a lot about this traumatic memory because it’s hard to discuss the details of everything that happened. Even my own family doesn’t talk about it because it was traumatic for them to experience what I went through. But for those who read this blog, this is an insight of the struggle I deal with after being married and trying to navigate sexual intimacy while healing from trauma.
If you want to know what you can do to help me, just pray. You can talk to me about it, but it will be difficult in person to discuss the details of everything that happened and how it shaped me to the woman I am now. No, I don’t need fixing or my mind made up; I have a therapist I see every two weeks and she’s done a lot more for me than you can imagine. I just want peace and happiness to come back… That’s all. Not to be haunted by ghosts.
Coram Deo– To live one’s life in the presence of God
While I was in Texas spending time with my husband’s family, I noticed something in my mother in law’s home; a presence that allowed the kids to express and be themselves without remorse or hate. I realized that my mother and father in law created an atmosphere where the kids both young and old can be their neurodivergent selves without feeling like it’s a problem or labeled with a diagnosis. It was very freeing to see all the kids happily stimming, making their own noises and being hyper-fixed on their interests without being told to stop, or being found annoying. The kids could get into specific things they liked freely, obviously with the parents permission, without getting hate or telling them they couldn’t like that stuff.
It made me feel safe to be my autistic self. I was communicating with my husband about my needs, I could walk around their home stimming freely and I felt like one of them without remorse. I never got burnt out being there because I was able to regulate myself in their presence and my mother in law welcomed it. While being there and experiencing what the kids all did and that I could also be the same way made me very happy. I was being accommodated for and I was being heard by others that weren’t my husband. I was loved and accepted for being on the autism spectrum and I wasn’t treated like it was a problem all the time. Not only was I accepted for being autistic, but also having the kindness and understanding that I have food allergies and being nice enough to make separate food for me so I can eat it with everyone else.
When it was time to go home, I knew I would have to crawl back into my shell and have to mask my autism again, causing my health to fail along with it. Because while being autistic is great and all here at home, it’s viewed as a problem and an excuse to many. I came back home and have felt really numb and grey; because now…I’m in this limbo of being myself or being someone that isn’t myself. Which is a fight I deal with everyday I wake up… In Texas, I woke up, got dressed without issue, got my accommodations and walked out the door without an issue. At home, I struggle to find clothes to wear each day, I get irritable with every repetitive noise and can’t seem to communicate with anyone correctly and well. Everything seems noisy here and full of eggshells to walk on. I didn’t have to figure out what attitude everyone was in in my mother-in-law’s home because she was very open about how she or my father in law felt in that moment.
It’s hard to express one’s special interests when they are being suffocated by fear, anger and disinterest in the home. It’s hard to info-dump about Star Wars, SpiderVerse or anything else for that matter when the other person doesn’t seem to care or understand the words coming out of your mouth. A home must feel welcoming to everyone in your family and must allow your child, both young and old, to express themselves freely. Not just in their own little spot in the house, but outwardly; that way you can understand them better and know who your child is. Don’t be afraid to accommodate your child, don’t be afraid to let them like things you allow in your home, don’t be afraid to accept them as special and different. Let them be the way God created them to be. Don’t just allow it for a short time and then completely forget that they are autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, dyscalcula, etc. They will still be like that even if you personally don’t want to put a word/label on it. It will still be there…
The presence I was in with my husband’s family made me feel like it was okay to be the way God created me. I didn’t have to mask, I didn’t have to be silent about my special interests, and I didn’t feel remorse or regret. I was happy. I felt joy for the first time in like a while, mind you it was extremely hot there, but I was joyful in who I was and how God created me. I never got the feeling like I was making an excuse, or making autism my entire personality. I was just being me. An autistic adult woman who has masked her traits for a long long time… It made my mother-in-law happy, in all honesty. Seeing me interact with the kids and just openly being myself with them; it was nice and calming to feel accepted by them.
Being different like myself or my husband’s siblings shouldn’t be a bad thing nor viewed as bad simply because there’s a label on it or a word attached to that person. God created them that way; as Christians we should treat them as they wish to be treated, with patience, kindness and love. Not just saying, “oh yeah you’re neurodivergent…” then completely forget about it. If your child is special and has support needs that have to be met, don’t just let them fend for themselves; help them out and not make it worse on them. Ask them what they need, be there for them and not a burden to them. Have a presence in the home that’s accepting when it comes to their needs and being different. It’s not a bad word to have a label on your child; diagnosed or self diagnosed. It’s not a bad word. Let them live, let them be themselves.
~0~
To my mother-in-law, thank you for allowing me to be myself with the kids and in your home. Just the mere kindness and understanding you had for me made me feel at peace with how God created me; different and special. You asked questions, you accommodated for my needs both autistic and food, and you didn’t bat an eye to them nor made me feel bad about them. It was very freeing to be in a home that openly allowed kids to express themselves and enjoy life without feeling you were a problem or having to mask everything. Wanting to know about my special interest and asking me questions all the time made it feel less trapped in my own world. All the kids being very similar to me was so eye opening and calming; I didn’t feel like I had to judge the home based on attitude or if there’s gonna be egg shells to walk on all the time. It was just: This is my home and this is how it’s going to be. Taylor could tell a difference in me between being there and coming back home… It’s like I’m chained up and cannot escape. I have to be this person who isn’t different here at home… So, thank you for how welcoming and understanding you were to me and just being open to talking all the time and not arguing with me about everything. Thank you for loving me. I felt very loved and understood from day one, and I’m glad I got to spend the time I had with you and the kids.
I’ve always been strange since I could remember; never really did fit in with everyone around me. I talked funny, looked funny and acted funny since I was very little. But once I got older, it felt like that part of me was told to be put away because it became a problem for everyone else. I had to wear clothes that bothered me, I had to look a specific way and act a specific way because if I didn’t it was a sin or not something a Christian young lady shouldn’t be doing. I felt I was being stopped from expressing myself through fashion, my special interests and how my hair looked over all.
Once I moved out, and got married, it’s suddenly an issue that I can dress and express myself that makes me happy. Not because a specific group of people also do so, but because I have been trying to do so since I was in middle school and high school. A part of the reason I have changed my appearance is so the people that have hurt me in the past cannot recognize me anymore and conversations are started about my life. Another reason is because freedom of expression and not every Christian young woman has to look like a typical Christian. Long hair, long skirts, sickly joyful expression, and over all fake presence. That’s not someone I want to look like, because those types of people scare away unbelievers and fallen humans from ever wanting to walk in the light of Christ.
How I look on the outside, doesn’t affect how my walk with Jesus Christ is. Although my walk with Christ isn’t a perfect thing, neither is any other Christian you talk to either. Because, as Christians we aren’t perfect at all. Unless you have some sort of magical thing that can make you better than every other Christian; we aren’t perfect by any stroke of the word. I don’t look this way because my husband changed me, or that society and social media changed me; I am who I am because I’m a child of the light, an image that was created by God.
I don’t enjoy getting comments and backlash about my sexuality or my outward appearance simply by the change of a hair color or fashion. I’m not a lesbian. I’m not gay. I have always liked men and found them attractive since I could understand that stuff. I don’t look this way because a community does as well. That hurts me… I don’t like that community; I’m a believer, and baptized saint in Christ’s name. I’ve struggled with personal appearance for so long and hearing those things brings back all of those struggles I had when I was in middle school and high school at co-op. I’ve always been a weird girl, and I hated it. I got weird looks and laughed at and all the boys didn’t like me.
But as I grew up, I realized that maybe the reason I was weird is because I was broken. An image that no one could look up to; a shattered mirror. A woman people look up and down at because I was so different that I couldn’t simply be a child of the light. But despite their efforts, I am. I don’t believe in Christ because my parents do, or my siblings do; my belief in Christ is solely on the fact that if he didn’t save me, I’d most likely be bleeding out in a bathtub or with a bullet through my head somewhere. Because, since no one really knows this; I’ve thought about killing myself multiple times over and over.
Gasp in awe or what have you, but yes, I have thought about ending my life several times and still do. Why? Because when you’ve lived in isolation for so long and when people close to you make it worse, it causes the chemicals in my brain to tell me to just leave them behind and never look back. They don’t care, right? They can easily forget about you and move on, right? Selfish, I know. The world revolves around me. But, have you ever thought for a second what it’s like to be a strange person, the person no one understands and gives up on. The person who sits in her little apartment wondering if her joy will return; if her happiness will come back? But I am a child of the light… Right?
I wonder that, and yet here I am… Suffering with depression and over all hurt, that you’ll just never hear from me again. I’ll stop coming around and my face will slowly erase from your memory.
I’m a child of the light. A woman who wishes to disappear and almost every day just be reunited with her Savior, because I can’t stand being on this earth suffering as Jesus did each day just to be hurt and broken-hearted from so many people in my life. It has hurt me, and has made me very numb… But… I haven’t spoken about that… But now you know…
In early 2020, I wanted to take my life multiple times. I was abused by a young man in so many ways that the best way to escape was to just disappear. I would hide in my closet with the door closed and just rock myself wanting it all to stop; the repercussions of trauma, the church hurt and the abuse. I felt like a burden to my parents (still do) and my siblings. I thought the best possible way to make it all stop was to just end my life. Luckily, I didn’t own any weapons or sharp objects at the time so my attempt never happened. One day, I found a band called The Gray Havens, and I began listening to them religiously. Their songs were full of hope, grace and the glory of Jesus Christ that the idea of taking my life slowly left my mind. By listening to their music, it saved my life in more ways than one. I didn’t feel like ending my life anymore and I felt more joy and happiness then before…
Unfortunately that was short lived, after getting married and moving out the immense change destroyed me and I sank into a deep depression again. I was seeking therapy (and still doing so) and some of my issues were being healed, but it wasn’t healing my isolation and lack of friends in my life. After being burned by multiple people, my trust levels have been very low and just allowing people into my life was very hard to do. So, because my depression was and has been getting bad, I sought solace in my parents and siblings. Being with them helped me not feel isolated and sad that I had no friends. I just started to view my siblings as my only friends… But sometimes things are said and that isolation that you’ve been escaping just comes right back and you’re suddenly alone again…
I’m not great at verbally telling my loved ones I am suffering because I don’t like being a burden to them… But due to so many other issues, I just stopped telling people things (not my husband, but my family) because I knew, I just knew that something bad was going to happen and I was going to be alone again. I have no one… Except my husband, but I have no one. There’s a reason I never moved to Texas… Now I’ve tossed the idea around because I’m hurt. I want to escape. I want to be gone.
Inside My Head 