“I hate it here…” I’ve said that about everyday since being in Texas.
Change affects people differently in so many ways, but for someone like me, it’s feels like your life is being thrown away in the trash. For some, that can sound super dramatic and lame, but it’s not for a person like me who views the world through a different set of eyes. You’re probably thinking, ‘Well change isn’t that bad, sometimes it’s a good thing for all of us.’ Maybe for you, but for me, it’s like a hellscape I cannot process nor understand.
When thinking about moving away, I just wanted a solution for a lifetime problem. To be heard, to feel like I existed and to be truly loved by everyone. But whenever that actually happened, my mind and body went into cryogenic freeze, like Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back. All I could do was pack my things up, shuffle my way through the snow and say goodbye to my family. When deep down inside I was screaming for help all along, but had no way to ask for it. Sounds crazy, huh? Not really when you grew up different and weird all your life and only discovered it just as your life started to spiral.
I thought moving was going to be a happy ending for me, something I can look back on and be proud I took that leap. But after being here for a month and a half, my heart aches to be back home in Ohio with my family. Why? Because I just don’t fit in; never truly did anywhere I went to be honest. But, I was comfortable with the area I was in to the point where I was happy with being miserable. As my husband would say, “I am never truly happy anywhere I am or go.” Which is true, because I’m not a happy person to begin with. All you see is fake happiness and smiles because my happiness continues to get ripped away from me.
But before you point the finger at others, maybe remind you that this ‘stealing of happiness’ isn’t my husband’s fault. Don’t blame him for my life choices. It’s my own creation and mind set I’ve made up, because when life changes happen, I become very depressed and miserable to the point where I wish not to exist on this planet. Whoa that’s drastic, Sam. That’s because I haven’t been given the time to process and understand changes and traumas very well. I’m autistic for Pete’s sake! We don’t deal with change well!
But that’s an excuse to not continue to enjoy your life and glorify God in it! Yes, you’re correct on that, but I want to see what it’s like for you to walk in my shoes. To wake up everyday wanting to be home, the place you know everything about. A place that isn’t crowded or loud everyday. Where there is animals running around and cats to be held. A place where you can actually drive to without fear or danger. Traffic here is really scary and horrible. The place my therapist told me to go to when I felt suicidal or had ideations of such a thing. A place where I knew people were going to be home and I knew the schedule everyday… My home in Ohio.
Stop complaining. You made your choice. I may have made a choice, but I hate it so much. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life than being here in Texas holding my Barney plushie wanting to badly to go home. I’m like a child trapped in a play ground searching for their parents. I realize I fought with my parents a lot about almost everything, but all I was really looking for was praise and approval. When in reality, that should’ve came from God first then from my parents second. All I was doing was people pleasing, and not living the way God wanted me to do. Which I still fight back and forth within myself.
All I’ve wanted was someone, and anyone to be happy for me that I’m doing the right thing. Not criticizing my choices, or how I do things. I’m going to do my life in a weird way with my husband. It’s not something that can be controlled or worry about. I thought moving to Texas was going to prove that, but I honestly don’t see it. I thought I could have a clean start away from everything that has hurt me and mentally scarred me. But all I see, is that I turned my back away from my life that I became comfortable with and waved goodbye. I’m so sorry Dad. My little green car packed up to the brim with all my problems and hurt, and driving away down the long drive way of memories.
So while I feel trapped here, and moving through this life I’ve created like a ghost in Boo’s Castle, my one regret is not seeing this through fully and completely without emotion and anger. Because after doing my best to process this transition, I realized that it was out of a lot of emotions I couldn’t explain to anyone, not even my husband. It felt like a cat trapped in a carrying cage, dazed and confused; unsure where they’re truly going. Don’t point the finger at my husband, it’s not his fault in this. It’s hard and it hurts, especially when you feel like an outsider and confused about your surroundings everyday you wake up. Like Paul Atreides.
Now I feel like everything is happening without me there… Life moves on and we forget about me. Sounds selfish, I know. But if you saw it from my eye, that’s how it looks like and feels. You’re alone now, so you have to watch as the season change on the outside… Can I just got back to a time where I was younger? Please…
Inside My Head 