I’ve joked with my husband a few times when he asked me what my thoughts are on new years, and my response is always, “I’m just glad I’m still alive.” Now, before you call the authorities, I have never once attempted suicide, but there was several thoughts about it. Ya see, being the person I am, my ideas and thoughts are not positive at all; it’s all negative and no hope. Why? Well, I have experienced loss, sickness, pain and mental anguish for several years and I honestly wish it would simply end. But as I get older, and continue to live my life differently than most, those experiences don’t seem to leave me be.
Now you see why I joke about still being alive? Not solely because I want to not be alive, but because I want the suffering to end. I want people to be proud of me, and not cause me distress. I want to have friends that actually care for me and stick around. I want to feel healthy and mentally sane. But we all can’t get what we want in life, even if you pray everyday for it to stop. Thus why it feels like a repeat each year and each day I breathe; the same garbage every single day. It’s the same, which coming from someone who likes routines, it’s starting to become boring. Moments in time that leave scars and not smiles. Laughs that turn into cries. Happiness that is masked by sadness. All it being shoved in to one year after the next…
With each passing year, I hope to be a better Christian, a better wife and a better daughter; but I don’t feel that way at all no matter what I do and say. I’m not joking at all when I say that; I’m being quite honest when I say that I want to be a better version of my current self. Unfortunately, too much trauma has broken my confidence, that I am too scared to even live my life to the fullest. Not because the therapy isn’t working, it’s because moments in my life seem to bring the trauma I’m letting go back up. I want to feel happy without the daunting fear and thoughts of no matter what I do, it won’t make anyone happy for me.
It’s sad, because pleasing people is against the Bible, and allowing others to walk all over you isn’t Christian at all. Yet, every day I walk on this earth it seems that’s all I do to make sure that everyone can remain happy and joyful, while I am slowly crumbling in a dark corner. Why do I do that? Well I was told that I have to sacrifice myself for others to the point where I have no soul. That others around me matter more than I do, and that their needs are more important than mine. I do what I am told, and I do my best to stay alive. But these years of only surviving have caused me to become tired and dead inside.
The whole ‘new year, new me’ phrase is lost to me, because I’ve been trapped in a state of mine since 2018. A state where I wish I was my younger self, where nothing bad happened to me, and I can live my life as Christ wants me to. But, then again it was Christ who allowed such things to happen to me in the first place. It can’t be let go because it’s a part of me, it’s who I am now. Defined by the wrongs people have done by me, and the hurt that follows me everywhere I go. Just leave me alone. I have enough negativity going on, why continue to shove more on my shoulders?
Allow me to live the way I want to and breathe the air we all breathe. I may not follow the expectations that are laid out before me, at least I’m still alive and not locked up in a hospital somewhere. It’s not selfishness nor pride that I carry with me. Both of those things were destroyed by horrible people in the past. It’s more about wanting people to care about me, and not caring about me for their personal gain. “But that’s your perspective, feelings and thoughts!” Well, that’s how I see things in my life; just ask my husband. Everything is defined by my emotions, some which I can barely understand myself.
So as you read this and try to piece who I am through the ‘oh woes me’, understand I am a person who has battled many wars and not one of them was won by me. I wish they were won, and I wish I didn’t have the mental scars to prove it. But, I do and that is who I am now and possibly forever. Don’t feel bad for me dear Christians, just be happy I still walk among you and haven’t giving into the sin that is not wanting to exist anymore.
I feel like Elijah asking God for permission to die in the wilderness because he’s had enough…
Inside My Head 