I’ve always been strange since I could remember; never really did fit in with everyone around me. I talked funny, looked funny and acted funny since I was very little. But once I got older, it felt like that part of me was told to be put away because it became a problem for everyone else. I had to wear clothes that bothered me, I had to look a specific way and act a specific way because if I didn’t it was a sin or not something a Christian young lady shouldn’t be doing. I felt I was being stopped from expressing myself through fashion, my special interests and how my hair looked over all.
Once I moved out, and got married, it’s suddenly an issue that I can dress and express myself that makes me happy. Not because a specific group of people also do so, but because I have been trying to do so since I was in middle school and high school. A part of the reason I have changed my appearance is so the people that have hurt me in the past cannot recognize me anymore and conversations are started about my life. Another reason is because freedom of expression and not every Christian young woman has to look like a typical Christian. Long hair, long skirts, sickly joyful expression, and over all fake presence. That’s not someone I want to look like, because those types of people scare away unbelievers and fallen humans from ever wanting to walk in the light of Christ.
How I look on the outside, doesn’t affect how my walk with Jesus Christ is. Although my walk with Christ isn’t a perfect thing, neither is any other Christian you talk to either. Because, as Christians we aren’t perfect at all. Unless you have some sort of magical thing that can make you better than every other Christian; we aren’t perfect by any stroke of the word. I don’t look this way because my husband changed me, or that society and social media changed me; I am who I am because I’m a child of the light, an image that was created by God.
I don’t enjoy getting comments and backlash about my sexuality or my outward appearance simply by the change of a hair color or fashion. I’m not a lesbian. I’m not gay. I have always liked men and found them attractive since I could understand that stuff. I don’t look this way because a community does as well. That hurts me… I don’t like that community; I’m a believer, and baptized saint in Christ’s name. I’ve struggled with personal appearance for so long and hearing those things brings back all of those struggles I had when I was in middle school and high school at co-op. I’ve always been a weird girl, and I hated it. I got weird looks and laughed at and all the boys didn’t like me.
But as I grew up, I realized that maybe the reason I was weird is because I was broken. An image that no one could look up to; a shattered mirror. A woman people look up and down at because I was so different that I couldn’t simply be a child of the light. But despite their efforts, I am. I don’t believe in Christ because my parents do, or my siblings do; my belief in Christ is solely on the fact that if he didn’t save me, I’d most likely be bleeding out in a bathtub or with a bullet through my head somewhere. Because, since no one really knows this; I’ve thought about killing myself multiple times over and over.
Gasp in awe or what have you, but yes, I have thought about ending my life several times and still do. Why? Because when you’ve lived in isolation for so long and when people close to you make it worse, it causes the chemicals in my brain to tell me to just leave them behind and never look back. They don’t care, right? They can easily forget about you and move on, right? Selfish, I know. The world revolves around me. But, have you ever thought for a second what it’s like to be a strange person, the person no one understands and gives up on. The person who sits in her little apartment wondering if her joy will return; if her happiness will come back? But I am a child of the light… Right?
I wonder that, and yet here I am… Suffering with depression and over all hurt, that you’ll just never hear from me again. I’ll stop coming around and my face will slowly erase from your memory.
I’m a child of the light. A woman who wishes to disappear and almost every day just be reunited with her Savior, because I can’t stand being on this earth suffering as Jesus did each day just to be hurt and broken-hearted from so many people in my life. It has hurt me, and has made me very numb… But… I haven’t spoken about that… But now you know…
In early 2020, I wanted to take my life multiple times. I was abused by a young man in so many ways that the best way to escape was to just disappear. I would hide in my closet with the door closed and just rock myself wanting it all to stop; the repercussions of trauma, the church hurt and the abuse. I felt like a burden to my parents (still do) and my siblings. I thought the best possible way to make it all stop was to just end my life. Luckily, I didn’t own any weapons or sharp objects at the time so my attempt never happened. One day, I found a band called The Gray Havens, and I began listening to them religiously. Their songs were full of hope, grace and the glory of Jesus Christ that the idea of taking my life slowly left my mind. By listening to their music, it saved my life in more ways than one. I didn’t feel like ending my life anymore and I felt more joy and happiness then before…
Unfortunately that was short lived, after getting married and moving out the immense change destroyed me and I sank into a deep depression again. I was seeking therapy (and still doing so) and some of my issues were being healed, but it wasn’t healing my isolation and lack of friends in my life. After being burned by multiple people, my trust levels have been very low and just allowing people into my life was very hard to do. So, because my depression was and has been getting bad, I sought solace in my parents and siblings. Being with them helped me not feel isolated and sad that I had no friends. I just started to view my siblings as my only friends… But sometimes things are said and that isolation that you’ve been escaping just comes right back and you’re suddenly alone again…
I’m not great at verbally telling my loved ones I am suffering because I don’t like being a burden to them… But due to so many other issues, I just stopped telling people things (not my husband, but my family) because I knew, I just knew that something bad was going to happen and I was going to be alone again. I have no one… Except my husband, but I have no one. There’s a reason I never moved to Texas… Now I’ve tossed the idea around because I’m hurt. I want to escape. I want to be gone.
With that…
~Corem Deo~
Inside My Head 