While I was in Texas spending time with my husband’s family, I noticed something in my mother in law’s home; a presence that allowed the kids to express and be themselves without remorse or hate. I realized that my mother and father in law created an atmosphere where the kids both young and old can be their neurodivergent selves without feeling like it’s a problem or labeled with a diagnosis. It was very freeing to see all the kids happily stimming, making their own noises and being hyper-fixed on their interests without being told to stop, or being found annoying. The kids could get into specific things they liked freely, obviously with the parents permission, without getting hate or telling them they couldn’t like that stuff.
It made me feel safe to be my autistic self. I was communicating with my husband about my needs, I could walk around their home stimming freely and I felt like one of them without remorse. I never got burnt out being there because I was able to regulate myself in their presence and my mother in law welcomed it. While being there and experiencing what the kids all did and that I could also be the same way made me very happy. I was being accommodated for and I was being heard by others that weren’t my husband. I was loved and accepted for being on the autism spectrum and I wasn’t treated like it was a problem all the time. Not only was I accepted for being autistic, but also having the kindness and understanding that I have food allergies and being nice enough to make separate food for me so I can eat it with everyone else.
When it was time to go home, I knew I would have to crawl back into my shell and have to mask my autism again, causing my health to fail along with it. Because while being autistic is great and all here at home, it’s viewed as a problem and an excuse to many. I came back home and have felt really numb and grey; because now…I’m in this limbo of being myself or being someone that isn’t myself. Which is a fight I deal with everyday I wake up… In Texas, I woke up, got dressed without issue, got my accommodations and walked out the door without an issue. At home, I struggle to find clothes to wear each day, I get irritable with every repetitive noise and can’t seem to communicate with anyone correctly and well. Everything seems noisy here and full of eggshells to walk on. I didn’t have to figure out what attitude everyone was in in my mother-in-law’s home because she was very open about how she or my father in law felt in that moment.
It’s hard to express one’s special interests when they are being suffocated by fear, anger and disinterest in the home. It’s hard to info-dump about Star Wars, SpiderVerse or anything else for that matter when the other person doesn’t seem to care or understand the words coming out of your mouth. A home must feel welcoming to everyone in your family and must allow your child, both young and old, to express themselves freely. Not just in their own little spot in the house, but outwardly; that way you can understand them better and know who your child is. Don’t be afraid to accommodate your child, don’t be afraid to let them like things you allow in your home, don’t be afraid to accept them as special and different. Let them be the way God created them to be. Don’t just allow it for a short time and then completely forget that they are autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, dyscalcula, etc. They will still be like that even if you personally don’t want to put a word/label on it. It will still be there…
The presence I was in with my husband’s family made me feel like it was okay to be the way God created me. I didn’t have to mask, I didn’t have to be silent about my special interests, and I didn’t feel remorse or regret. I was happy. I felt joy for the first time in like a while, mind you it was extremely hot there, but I was joyful in who I was and how God created me. I never got the feeling like I was making an excuse, or making autism my entire personality. I was just being me. An autistic adult woman who has masked her traits for a long long time… It made my mother-in-law happy, in all honesty. Seeing me interact with the kids and just openly being myself with them; it was nice and calming to feel accepted by them.
Being different like myself or my husband’s siblings shouldn’t be a bad thing nor viewed as bad simply because there’s a label on it or a word attached to that person. God created them that way; as Christians we should treat them as they wish to be treated, with patience, kindness and love. Not just saying, “oh yeah you’re neurodivergent…” then completely forget about it. If your child is special and has support needs that have to be met, don’t just let them fend for themselves; help them out and not make it worse on them. Ask them what they need, be there for them and not a burden to them. Have a presence in the home that’s accepting when it comes to their needs and being different. It’s not a bad word to have a label on your child; diagnosed or self diagnosed. It’s not a bad word. Let them live, let them be themselves.
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To my mother-in-law, thank you for allowing me to be myself with the kids and in your home. Just the mere kindness and understanding you had for me made me feel at peace with how God created me; different and special. You asked questions, you accommodated for my needs both autistic and food, and you didn’t bat an eye to them nor made me feel bad about them. It was very freeing to be in a home that openly allowed kids to express themselves and enjoy life without feeling you were a problem or having to mask everything. Wanting to know about my special interest and asking me questions all the time made it feel less trapped in my own world. All the kids being very similar to me was so eye opening and calming; I didn’t feel like I had to judge the home based on attitude or if there’s gonna be egg shells to walk on all the time. It was just: This is my home and this is how it’s going to be. Taylor could tell a difference in me between being there and coming back home… It’s like I’m chained up and cannot escape. I have to be this person who isn’t different here at home… So, thank you for how welcoming and understanding you were to me and just being open to talking all the time and not arguing with me about everything. Thank you for loving me. I felt very loved and understood from day one, and I’m glad I got to spend the time I had with you and the kids.
I love you very much,
Samantha (Sam)
Inside My Head 