As you read this post, there will be small letters to individuals that have left my life but remain in my head. Individuals that like to point their fingers at me, cause me grief and play childhood memories like movies in my head. Sadness brings them out in the open, trauma foams out anger and depression makes it hard to live because of them. These letters are a form of healing for me and a way to voice things on paper without crying to the void. Don’t mourn for me readers, just understand how Christ has brought me here and how I’ve been trying to move on in my life.
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Grandpa: It’s been two years since The Lord took you away from us. Two years of mourning your death and remembering my childhood like it was just yesterday. I want to tell you I got a crow tattooed on my arm to remember the times I watched you feed them and care for them. It’s an image that is engraved in my mind forever; something special like when we used to fish at Great Uncle Wayne’s house or when we ate breakfast together every morning when I was a little girl. I can’t eat everything bagels without seeing you read your newspaper and drinking your black coffee.
Grandma misses you dearly, even if she won’t admit it to anyone; but I can tell she misses you a lot. It hurts me to see her silently suffering and I cannot do a thing except pray for her healing from the grief. She needs to understand that the older she gets the worse her health and mind will get; I don’t want her to suffer the way you did. I can’t lose another grandparent again; I’ll have no other grandparents left if she leaves us. I don’t want to end up like Taylor and have grandparents who died with several regrets on their shoulders. I want to live my life knowing we fulfilled what Mom promised: taking care of grandma when you died. But its hard when she doesn’t want help…
I know you’re dead and gone, but your death has bothered me for so long that I reminisce on my childhood often with Taylor. Oh how I wish you knew him more and how I should’ve apologized for never catching up with you and grandma. I’m so sorry, and I miss you very much with each passing day. I hope being reunited with Great Uncle Wayne has been a blessing and being in the presence of our Lord has filled your spirit with joy.
Your granddaughter,
Miss Samantha
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Rachel: It pains me to write a piece for you after what you did to me twice. Betrayal doesn’t look good on you and neither does lies. I enjoyed being your friend and a sister figure to you both in the past and not too long ago. But friends aren’t ones to just take all the burdens of another, like a pack mule in Chile; we share them together and help one another out. Yet, I became the pack mule and got used as a therapist, not a real friend. I understand you stood by me when Taylor wasn’t treating me right for those six months of separation, but once it was done and I wanted to help you with Tyler; it became a huge deal that I was giving helpful advice. Being best friends doesn’t always mean we agree to everything being said, but sometime down the road you’ll see that one of us was right.
Tyler is a tool who is just using you. A child that doesn’t understand commitment and probably won’t truly propose to you at all. You’re going to be stuck as the girl friend for years to come until you get tired of being just the girl friend and that’s it. At least your sister was able to land a decent guy who proposed to her and makes her truly happy. Not some lame version of happiness that you can only achieve by having sex with someone for three seconds. That’s called being used and being the user. I wanted to help you find true happiness with someone who could help you with your trauma, but you refused my help over and over.
Sooner or later, one of us was going to leave; I just chose to do it before I got to a point of burn out and severe depression. I don’t enjoy being used, lied to and jerked around like some dog toy. I was your friend… A childhood memory to cling to when things got bad, but the more we grew up the worse the world got… I will miss the good times we had and the laughs we did create.
Your Sherlock,
Sam
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Amber: I’ve written a letter to you before, but that was in anger and hurt; something I’ve gotten over for a long time now. While there is some hurt that remains, it’s not as strong as it was in the past. So, if you see this small letter addressed to you, don’t view it as a call out but something to reminisce on good and bad times…
Out of all the friends that have come and gone in my life, yours was quite special to me. I had a friend that was like a true sister in Christ, someone I could trust everything with and more. We laughed, we made up our own phrases and we hung out almost everyday. Heck, we even worked together in the same store for two years… But unfortunately, a lot of drama and trauma happened that caused us to split apart; that devastated me because I lost a true friend who understood me and cared for me unlike any other. It was hard seeing you not in my wedding, and not helping with decorations and fixing my dress train like a maid of honor does. We would talk about being at each other’s weddings being the maids of honor, but that childish dream disappeared.
You decided to listen to people who hated my family, and follow in their footsteps; even Steven followed you too and my brothers lost a friend that day as well. As days went on, I realized that my ex ruined my friendship and so did that church and all the members connected with you. I felt lonely again, and it was dark without any friends in my life for a long time. That was until Taylor came into my life…
So, while you’re off enjoying marriage with Steven, even though you spent pre-marriage living with him (which is against the Bible, btw), I hope your life is good and you find people that aren’t going to stab you in the back.
Your five year friend,
Sam
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Germany (Olivia): Hey, it’s been years since we spoke and even more years since I’ve seen you. There are days where I sit and ponder about what went wrong with our friendship, and how it broke apart in the beginning. But nothing comes to mind… Just fond memories of anime, laughs and inside jokes. I miss having my girl squad again… You, me, Elizabeth, and Jess. It was fun having different girls from different backgrounds to call friends, but it soon ended when a single person had to spread rumors about my siblings and I. We were like sisters almost, and your parents were close to me as well; heck your mom stitched my wedding dress to make it fit right for me.
It was hard when we drew apart and then never saw each other again. Even though I caught glimpses of you at stores; it just never felt the same for me anymore… I am very happy you found the right person to treat you with respect and love; you have always deserved someone who loves you for you. Marriage is hard for those who have gone through trauma, but knowing how strong you are, you can make it through.
I wish you could see us now (my siblings and I) we all have our own favorite anime we love and enjoy now. Some more than others…
Thank you for being a part of my life
Sam aka England
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Andrew Hancock: I sit in that pew watching you preach to the small congregation you’ve created. A group that only follows you because of the clique you surrounded yourself with; a den of thieves and a pit of vipers. It’s disgusting to see the images that plague my mind of all the things you said and did to not only me, but to my family as well.
A groomer? As a pastor you’re to protect your followers from being prey to evil such as groomers and sexual predators, but you didn’t. I suffered a lot because of your pride and best intentions for me; I was close to wanting to end my life because of you and what you allowed. How was that okay? Why did you think allowing me to marrying a groomer and a sexual predator was okay? Because Doug Wilson does it? Because my ex was very similar to you in a lot of ways?
Whatever your reasons were, they weren’t biblical. Your judgement was blinded by your distaste for my family, so much so, that you ruined friendships. I hope you enjoy being a liar, a cesspool of sin and a fake pastor. A leader needs followers, and you certainly have the right sheep to follow you: a den of thieves and a pit of vipers.
A broken, hurt girl you created,
Samantha Runge
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Makayla: Ya know I cared a lot about you and when I noticed your self harm scars on your arms, I knew you needed help. But as time went by, you became the biggest sore in my life. Someone who came into my brother’s life and just decided to smash it like a bug. We protected you during the time Andy accused Josh of an inappropriate relationship, and we even allowed you to come to our new church. But it was all a show, right? Just a phase of life till you could have your own party?
Nick hates you now. With the power of a thousand suns, actually. Why? Well, when you display fake, it’s easy to catch what type of person you truly are. The last few times we saw you, we just played pretend for you because we just didn’t enjoy your company anymore. You became that fly that we just batted around the room, hoping you’d seek another pile of poop. But you kept swooping into our lives like we were a security blanket for you; it was disgusting.
Honestly, I feel like Josh is better off without a toxic person like yourself in his life and ours. You did your best to hold onto us, but as you realized, you needed to be your own person and live your own life. Whether it was living the college party life or not; either way you made your choice.
Stay safe, and don’t go back to self harm again…
Sam
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Josh and Marci: Manipulation is such an evil tactic to use on people, especially on people who are easily manipulated. It’s sad that you wormed your way into my life and then tore it up just for fun. What’s it like being masterminds of people’s fate, hm?
I have to say despite your best efforts to convince me that wearing black isn’t going to be something I would want to do in my thirties; sike, I still do just out of spite to the both of you. You two are a disease that needs cured. Sin that continues to grow and a mud puddle that just won’t clear up. It’s truly sad isn’t it? To live one’s lives like you did nothing wrong, but in reality, you actually did? I hope your new daughter knows just how big of fakers you two truly are and also how much manipulation you hold as well.
My family wants to get over the things you two created and let happen, but it’s hard when my own brother has to see it everyday at work. Dealing with the constant heartache and headache you two have created and whipped up isn’t healthy; neither is whatever bullshit you spew from your mouths.
Worship was something I felt called to do, yet when I got kicked off the praise team because I needed to sing professionally, I stopped going to school. Thanks for taking that away from me. Worshiping The Lord has nothing to do with how you outwardly appear on stage; it’s what’s in your heart that truly matters to God. But honestly with such a black heart, I’m not surprised the Worship is garbage there. So thanks for ruining a chance to have a career or a job, you dirt bags.
Enjoy stabbing others in the back, and speaking evil of them in secret.
Samantha
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Katrina: Hey. Much thanks to you, I have gotten to love all things nerdy and geeky. You were a huge inspiration to me and showed me the world of Jane Austen and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle; it was beautiful and exhilarating. I truly miss my friendship with you…
Because of you, I have collected a lot of things from both books to geeky things. If only you could see my apartment and my entire collection… But alas, you disappeared into the fog after the fall of Crossbridge and we never saw you again. When I drive past where you used to live, I miss our deep talks and laughs. You figured me out and understood me better than myself; it was quite an eye opener.
I wish you can see me now; slowly suffering from unexplained pain and discomfort. Having you around to answer my questions, would be so helpful right about now… Instead, I’m stuck with doctors gaslighting me into believing it’s just simply anxiety and depression… I know it’s not either of those things.
I hope you’re living a wonderful and if not, you are truly missed Miss Katrina,
Samantha
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Bailey: You were a good thing, I could tell… But the cult you are in destroyed the person you truly were. I was hopeful for you and Josh to work out, but once your father stepped in and twisted things everything was gone. I guess that’s what cults of Doug Wilson do, destroy relationships both platonic and romantic.
I hope your father rots in the fires of hell for the horrible things he did that allowed more horrible things to occur. If he wasn’t a follower under Doug, then things might have been better for us all. But again, cults have a way of ruining things that were pure and good. Disappointing, huh? Oh well. You probably cheated on Josh anyways with that bar guy, who you’re now married to now.
Because of your choices, you lost Esther Grace as a friend, which destroyed Nick. I hope you’re happy with that outcome; ruining and crushing someone’s heart and expectations. Now EG is married to some dude, and honestly, she doesn’t look happy at all. Fake happiness doesn’t look good on anyone.
Hope you enjoy living in a fake situation you created much thanks to your father and Doug Wilson.
Sam
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Katelyn Lake: I knew the reason I hated horse girls was because of you. Something about you screamed: Don’t trust her. But we allowed you to walk into our lives and guess what, everyone we loved and were friends with sided with you…
The Butler County Fair wasn’t the same anymore when all your friends either grew up or followed the shadow you walked in. Why ruin our friendships? We loved those guys a lot and you just took it away from us because you tried to take my brother’s virginity in a closet? Or was it you were so miserable with the life you lived that you stole friends for such an evil benefit? Whatever it is, I hope you’re happy with the outcome. None of them are our friends anymore…
It was from them on, I knew not to trust horse girls… Because they are evil people who get off on ruining lives and spewing false truths for their own personal gain. How dark was your heart that taking happiness in friendships was okay? Guess we’ll never know.
I wish you could see what happened now…
Sam
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Our Friend Group: You guys are missed dearly. It pains me to write a piece for all of you… What happened? Did we grow up and then grow apart, or did false truths split us apart. Whatever the reason, it’s lonely not having friends anymore in your mid to late 20’s.
Wherever you guys are in life, I hope The Lord blesses you and keeps you safe from toxic people that may rise up and destroy you. All of you played a part in our lives, whether it was game nights, fair days or movie dates. It was all important to us, and it plays a lot in our heads as we grow older.
If you ever get to a point where you don’t feel like you can go on, we are always here for you to reach out to and lean on. Remember, we never discriminated against you guys from the beginning and that’s not going to stop now.
Be blessed,
Samantha Runge
It’s hard to see people leave my life, especially people that have hurt me and my family very deeply. There are others that I didn’t put on this list because I didn’t want them to be hurt by the fact that they made this list. So if you read this post, my readers and view the things that I have said as harsh or raw; don’t read it. I’ve gone through hell and back again because of these specific people and most, not all, still play in my head like a bad movie. It’s painful, yes… But we must suffer well despite everything. We must live Corem Deo.
Inside My Head 