It’s almost 2am, and I’m sitting up awake in my bed with a mind full of emotions. My body hurts, my heart hurts and I feel like everything just continues to pile on in my life like a Jenga tower.
After watching the farm for two weeks, I felt peace but then slowly becoming overwhelmed with depression, anxiety and obviously sensory overload. It was hard to be home, when a presence lurked behind the shadows; which I didn’t know about at all.
For me, it’s hard enduring emotionally charged events and conversations, but this time around I released pain and hurt from way back in the past. Pain that had been felt before and pain that escaped again yesterday. Whatever you want to call it, it was hard to feel several emotions to the point you wanted to harm yourself.
The frustration that your point isn’t coming across or that what’s being told isn’t true eats away at your soul. That knowing something isn’t right and no matter how many times you scream and yell, something still feels wrong. Standing there wanting to scratching your very skin til it bleeds is scary when your faced with a thousand thoughts and scenarios that play in your mind.
Staring deep into the eyes of your younger self wondering what came of this moment in your life; a moment that feels like a nightmare. Why? What caused this to happen again? Was it selfishness? Pride? Narcissistic behavior? Whatever you make yourself feel or believe… It’s still not right.
Sinful desires, pleasures and fears play a lot into decisions we make in this wretched world. We allow skeletons to become closeted, and play pretend for weeks, months and years. But nothing is enough if we enjoy the vomit we threw up, right? We’re all like dogs wanting to enjoy cat poop or our own vomit everyday.
God speaks of Israel in the Old Testament as a donkey in heat; meaning Israel loved returning back to their sin over and over. Israel sinned in the eyes of the Lord… Hosea is a perfect depiction of how God views us; a whore returning to sin, and God watching us do it over and over again. Suffering, dying and choking on our sin. Sin that hurts everyone, but just blackens your heart.
True repentance is the only thing that should happen if you have gotten yourself stuck in the quicksand, but remember: the more you move, the faster you sink. Allowing yourself to sink causes everyone else to sink with you; which in turn causes death and suffocation to occur.
Suddenly that feeling of wanting to scratch my skin returns… Something isn’t right. Something that was said rings my ears like a gong. It felt like a lie, a show if you will. Processed or not; it’s not gonna go away. It will remain like a scar on your skin. A reminder of harm you’ve done to yourself… But that harm digs deeper than just the surface level of the skin…
Call it what you will, but falling down a pit only allows others to follow by example. Being a leader means you set the tone and the expectations of your team. A team that trusts you is a team that fights for you. I don’t know if that team will fight for you now; especially if it continues when it was verbalized it was not. Either way… It happened.
My body hurts with expressed emotions from yesterday. Emotions that have always been hard to express fully to the max. But after that moment of time; I still feel like a soda pop ready to explode. Something still doesn’t feel right to me… Or am I just crazy? I know what I heard…
Being the oldest and experiencing something that I was never aware of in the past is quite scary when your other family members are on the line. You want to be the protector, while you slowly die inside from the emotions pent up. You want to keep them all safe, but your shield doesn’t feel big enough… You want to be strong enough but your armor isn’t tough enough…
God, I understand you allow things to happen so we can draw closer to you… But can you stop allowing me to suffer, please. I’ve done enough of it over time and I want peace, happiness and rest from everything I’ve endured. Not just pile on more suffering and more pain to add to the existing problems.
I want it all to stop now… I want to be that little girl that was happy and healthy. I want to know that my family will be okay and safe. I want people to stop leaving me behind. I want my head to stop spinning with hurt and heartache. I want to sleep at night without waking up. I want, I want, I want…
Sometimes… the things we want, turn into things we never wanted at all.
It’s now 2:15am… I am tired… My brain is wide awake with words and emotions, but my body is in pain for expelling everything from my soul.
Lord, heal my broken heart… Heal the sinful people who harmed my life. Allow them to seek true repentance from the sins they’ve committed not only against me, but others that are in my life. As much as I want to be like Elijah when he asked God to kill him; I must remain on this earth for a reason. Whether it’s for my husband, my family or my church; my life and my duty is to my Jerusalem first.
Coram Deo
Inside My Head 