Parts of this post will be a telling of what happened to me in the past. A warning to those who have been sexual abused before or manipulated for sexual favors; this won’t be a easy post to read or write for me.
Women who are neurodivergent are easily misled and manipulated to do things they aren’t comfortable in doing. They can be sexually assaulted, beaten (domestic assault) and manipulated into thinking that everything that occurred was there fault. Most women that are neurodivergent even get raped, have a toxic relationship or become single parents because their partner/boyfriend abused them in horrible ways it leaves the woman damaged. But why am I writing about this? How would I know anything about any of that? Well… Have I have a story for you.
In the beginning of 2019, there was this guy I had met and started talking to through a group called Reformed Harmony. He was a nice guy at the beginning; going to seminary to become a Youth Pastor or Teaching Elder. The kid (I use that term for a reason) knew his stuff about Theology, Doctrine and what the Bible principally teaches. Unfortunately, he used that and being autistic himself, against me to gain things from me that I personally was naive about. Slowly he became very obsessed with how I dressed, did my hair and such that he asked in what ways I can prove he loved me. I was unsure what he meant by that, because I thought he already ‘loved me’. Little did I know that he thought that me sending pictures of myself looking ‘sexy’ were the best ways to boost his love for me, and him asking to take pictures of myself fully clothed in tight clothes would also boost that. Unaware of his addiction, it wasn’t til he came to visit during the summer time, that I realized that he had a sex problem and a porn problem. Thus why he asked for the photos of me hiking up my pants and wearing tight clothes etc.
It felt weird for me, because other boys I’ve interacted with didn’t ask me to do these things nor cared about the type of clothes I wore. They liked me for me and not because I looked sexy or sensual in any way. But, as time went on with this kid, he asked me to do things with him that I have never done before, things that happened in the presence of my sister and without the presence of anyone. He told me that grinding on him would make him love me more; all it really did was boost his sexual obsession of me and wanting to propose to me faster so he can have his way with me (his texts sounded like that often.) Unfortunately, I hadn’t really said anything to anyone, not even A. But when I told my pastor and his wife at the time the things he would do such as: manipulate me, gaslight me and make me feel like garbage because I refused the things he asked me for, all I got from the pastor was, “Oh he’s just grooming you. You can pray for him, but that’s what he’s doing to you.” This is also the same thing he said to me when I met with him after breaking off my engagement and explaining the things this kid did to me; which he almost allowed me to marry this scumbag too.
I was sexually abused, both physically and mentally by this kid. He would tell me he’d get erected all the time when I talked to him. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, and he ugly cried to my mom and I at midnight just to confess he would get that way because of me. (Which getting that way is totally natural if your attracted to a women physically and sexually.) But using that to manipulate a woman who has never been with a man sexually or at all isn’t the right way to go about having a godly relationship that is suppose to be Christ centered. He controlled everything; how I was supposed to look, wear my hair and act. It was exhausting and I felt like I was being drained from this person everyday of my life. This kid made me want to kill myself because of the things he did to me, on top of other things that had occurred during this relationship. It was pure hell. I had never really understood anything about sex (still don’t) and how men operate when it comes to sexual desire until I met that kid. I was filled with horror because I was confused about how men’s bodies work and how mine worked because I was fueled by someone who had an addiction issue with sex and wanting to have sex with me.
Now that I am married, I still don’t understand my own husband in a sexual way because of that trauma and I’m just not really interesting in learning anymore. No book can help me understand how my body works or how my husband’s body works. To be very honest, because of this trauma, I’m not sexually attracted to men and my husband. I have no sexual drive at all and the need/want to have sexual intimacy doesn’t go through my mind at all. There’s no thought about that at all. But that’s how God created us. To desire our spouses in a sexual way and to please them in that way. Maybe for you, but not for me. If that was the case then my husband would’ve already up and left me for someone much prettier and sexier than me; perhaps cheated on me. But, he hasn’t and he won’t. Just because I don’t ‘give’ him sex, doesn’t mean he’s just going to cheat on me or leave me. Sex may not be something that fills my head or that I have to stimulate him through out the day (gross by the way) shouldn’t make me less of a woman. Sex is traumatic. Sex is painful. Sex scares me. Am I healing from that? Yes. Healing takes time; it’s not an instant fix for me or anyone else. I don’t want to be ‘fixed’, just better.
So, if you ever wonder why I am the way that I am, this short story can tell you. I don’t talk a lot about this traumatic memory because it’s hard to discuss the details of everything that happened. Even my own family doesn’t talk about it because it was traumatic for them to experience what I went through. But for those who read this blog, this is an insight of the struggle I deal with after being married and trying to navigate sexual intimacy while healing from trauma.
If you want to know what you can do to help me, just pray. You can talk to me about it, but it will be difficult in person to discuss the details of everything that happened and how it shaped me to the woman I am now. No, I don’t need fixing or my mind made up; I have a therapist I see every two weeks and she’s done a lot more for me than you can imagine. I just want peace and happiness to come back… That’s all. Not to be haunted by ghosts.
Coram Deo – To live one’s life in the presence of God
Inside My Head 