Have you ever watched a moth drown in water? They spin around until they suffocate from intaking so much water all at once and then they just die. That is how I feel; I’m the moth in the water slowly spinning around trying to escape from suffocating in the water.
Want to know what life looks like behind the scenes? How grey clouds block out memories, people and conversations? You work so hard to be the best you can be for Christ, but those days turn into battles that just don’t seem to stop coming and coming. The feeling of running around in circles is like a moth trapped in water; slowly spinning to fly out, but it only ends up suffocating on the water. Once its dead it floats with the currents and all that remains is the empty body of the moth.
Its sickening when you communicate your needs, boundaries and feelings only to be trampled over or used for selfish gain. The body is a temple for The Lord, but it slowly feels like its become just a husk of wheat blowing in the wind on a autumn day. Words don’t work against pride, selfishness and pleasure; they go unheard and misused against you. Its truly confusing when loving a human being becomes harder with just a few passing moments because all you see is heart ache and hurt. Suffocating, isn’t it? Like a moth in the water… Drowning. Dying.
Anger plagues us all when you cannot achieve what we want in life; whether its pleasure, personal gain or happiness. So what happens when those points in our lives don’t go our way? We manipulate them to reach those goals and to make ourselves feel better, while others are drowning in sorrow and darkness. No light to fly to when the moth is already suffocating in the water below. Its slowly dying with no where to go and no where to run to. Abandonment isn’t really the issue here, its more like pride, fear and conviction.
Others who know you realize you aren’t safe and are becoming someone they don’t know anymore; a sad soul with no more joy left in them. A husk of grey clouds and darkness because someone crushed their confidence, their thoughts and their love. All this moth wanted was light, warmth and to feel happy, but got confusion, heartache and fatigue. They are suffocating, drowning and dying to someone who doesn’t listen, confuses them and hurts them. But who cares, right? Its not actually bad…right? They’ll be okay, right? Just extend grace over and over again…right? Forgive them seventy time sever, right?
There is so much this moth can take… Sooner or later they’ll reach to a point where forgiving isn’t an option, neither is extending grace or being okay. None of this is okay, none. How would you feel if you were suffocating, drowning and dying? It leaves you numb and empty inside; you want to give up, but you can’t because there’s nothing in this that says you can give up and walk away… Just grace, grace, God’s grace…
I’m this moth…suffocating; spinning in circles over and over again with no escape. Only drowning and that’s basically it.
Coram Deo
Inside My Head 