Why am I wide awake at this hour?
It’s been a long time since I was wide awake lying in my bed staring into void that is my bedroom. I think the last time I did that, was when I was back home in my old bedroom faced with so many thoughts of how my life was going to be before I got married. Now, I’m looking all around this new bedroom with a brain filled with thoughts, memories and conversations. Deciphering them over and over; picking at them piece by piece. But why 3:30am? Some would say it’s the Witching Hour, the time where your body is the most weakest, while others would say that I’m not sleeping. In reality, I’m awake with my thoughts, just processing them because it feels like I don’t have time to do that anymore…
So here are 3:30am thoughts that are circling my head as I lie wide awake in my bed.
• I miss my home. My family that surrounded me everyday. I feel like a stranger to them now, and when I see them on the other side of the screen it crushes my soul because I slowly feel myself slipping away from them.
• Myself isn’t who I thought I’d be anymore. This husk of a human who is in constant mental turmoil no matter where I am. Nothing makes me truly happy, and I don’t know why.
• Why can’t I sleep? I haven’t been able to truly feel like I’ve slept since I was younger. I keep waking up at times like these… Usually I’m crying or just sitting with my thoughts. But I never feel rested…
• I feel like I disappointed my family. I moved far far away, just for them to look at me and see someone who isn’t their daughter or sister anymore. A mere ghost of a person…
• I can’t seem to make the most of this move. Some days I can enjoy it, but I look back and see that the people who I cannot let go are living without me and that hurts my heart so much.
• I’m in pain. Never have I felt so miserable in my body, than I could ever remember. I understand I haven’t kept up with my vitamins, but even still… I’m in constant pain since being here. It’s very frustrating and draining.
• My life is the same as it was when before I left my home. Same life style, same financial issues, and same struggle everyday. Nothing is new and it makes me very crazy.
• Broken promises aren’t something I can’t wrap my head around because when I’m told that I’ll be happier, healthier and better over all, I take that and run with it. But… all I see are dark circles, sadness and pain.
• There’s no true schedule and routine anymore… It’s just whatever comes to mind… Which makes me very unhappy and angry. I don’t know what to do anymore.
• I haven’t unpacked. Except for like my collectibles, because those are important to me. But everything remains scattered around my living room or bed room. I’m not motivated to even touch anything anymore.
• It feels the same. The way our apartment looked in Ohio, is the same here in Texas. Unorganized, messy, depression piles everywhere and dirty clothes that haven’t been cleaned. This wasn’t what I had in mind when moving twelve hundred miles away…
• I miss my parents so much… When I see them back at home, I cry. Because I can’t see them and I can’t hug them. I feel like a kid lost at a grocery store calling for them, but they’re no where to be found.
• I feel sorry for leaving home. I hate having to hang up the phone every time with my family because I don’t want them to go. I need them. I need my mommy and daddy.
• I feel so lost here. I don’t understand anything anymore. My life got turned upside down and I can’t grasp it.
• I have my good days sometimes, but their swallows up by depression and sadness that I cannot figure out how I’m truly feeling.
• I just really miss my home. I miss what is going on everyday and seeing my family and going places with them. I hate being just this person who lives in Texas; someone on the other side of the phone. I feel like a ghost who can disappear at anytime…
That’s most of my thoughts this hour, and since it’s almost 4 am, I should try to get some sleep, even though I’ve been crying on and off while my husband is snoring next to me.
✨Coram Deo✨
Inside My Head 